"IF Sasquatch (Bigfoot) Was Ever Actually Discovered?" Topic

Ok. Maybe I've watched one too many "Messin' With Sasquatch" commercials . . .

. . . or maybe I have a softspot for primates.

Anyway, what IF, as unlikely as it sounds, a population of Sasquatch was actually discovered.

What next? Zoos? Is half the continent of North America then declared a protected reserve?

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. . . or, God forbid, more PC-sensitive "Messin' With Sasquatch" commercials?

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Geez, that's a lot of sighings! :)

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Hopefully a protected species within a preserve?

Honestly, would that mean catching and relocating those outside the preserve?

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We are Mankind. For their sake, I hope we never find them.

Well, we've discovered pretty much everything else, and managed to screw it all up one way or another. Perhaps it would be better if we didnt discover any sasquatch's in existance….

We've gotta stop those cryptozoologists then!

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Hey Big Foot is for real. They have one at Sonic's Games all the time. You should see his aerobatics off that mini tramp!!

Seriously, you should see the size of one of my kids shoes. I have no doubt where the foot prints are coming from. ;-)

mjc

In the unlikely event that they were tasty, they would probably spread across the globe. If not then it's unlikely that, since we haven't had any well confirmed sightings of them that we would be able to catch them all to put them into a preserve.

However, I doubt that they would become extinct because of humans. We'd send Jane Goodall or her modern day equivalent to study them, make some documentaries and depending on size, possibly teach them to play basketball. I can't imagine that there would be any sasquatch hunting.

"possibly teach them to play basketball."

LOL. And the golden age of the effortless dunk would begin.

Seriously (erm) though, IF they were proven real, and IF they were shown to be more intelligent than apes, what would that do?

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"Honestly, would that mean catching and relocating those outside the preserve?"

I hope not, I was thinking along the lines of enacting the preserve around the area that the species was found.

According to believers, they are all over the place!

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They are either thousands upon thousands in all, or they few but require a VERY wide range to hunt/gather.

Either way, they would require extremely huge preserves, right?

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Canada and the US would resurrect the Forst Special Service Force and have a brigade of these guys, with human officers andd senior NCOs. Then all our fantasy wargames would be true and we'd have, in real life, human and non-human regiments.

More intelligent than apes?

Are they more intelligent that dolphins?

I would like to see the Geico cavemen messin with Sasquatch

There was a lot of "interesting discussion" about bigfoots (bigfeet!) … bigfoots (bigFEET!) STOP THAT! on Skeptic Society Forum a while back… Here's an example:
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You can find the rest by searching up the thread starter's posts.

Talk about irrefutable evidence (-;)

You know, I read that link through and it taught me absolutely nothing.

They would patent Bigfoot first.
The same way they now patent unique genes and transgenic lifeforms.
Whoever catches Bigfoot catches a goldmine.

Depends, how good is their fur – commercially, I mean…<grin>

Mustn't forget the three things humans do with new species….

Can we eat it?
Can we make booze out of it?
Can we wear it?

Actually, mostly nowadays it's "what kind of drugs can we make out of it?"

"You know, I read that link through and it taught me absolutely nothing."

It taught me that skeptics (upper-case-Skeptics?) must whistle when they fart. :D

I WANT them tio exist.
I also hope that they are "almost as intelligent as us", and totally depraved.
I want them to be the Jukes, Kallikaks and Snopes of the simian world.
I want them to be wife beaters, child abusers, bullys and cowards.
I want them to be vicious and despoilers of their environment.

I want to see PETA campaign for their right to vote. And win.
I want to see Baptists and Jesuits try to convert them.
I want each of these to be heartbreakingly disappointed, and have Republicans and Democrats blame each other for them.

I want to see them on Conan O'Brien, and get arrested for assaulting the host and nearly killing him.
THEN, I want to see lawyers argue if an animal can be convicted of a crime.

I want to see jihad declared against them.

I want to see them abuse the welfare system, and pass bad checks and shoplift.

I want an accurate 28mm range.

I don't know why. Just because.

A friend of mine saw Bigfoot once. But it wasn't an ordinary sighting like the rest you've heard.
Years and years ago, my friend was sitting on the hood of his truck one night in the middle of an Oregon forest eating a Big Mac and watching falling stars when he heard a grunt from behind him. He looks over his shoulder and sees what anybody here would call a Bigfoot walking close enough to my friend to touch him. But Bigfoot keeps on walking, ignoring my friend like a sleepwalker.
My friend gets off his truck and begins to follow Bigfoot. As soon as he's close enough to touch Bigfoot, Bigfoot "crumbles" and changes from a solid state into a gaseous state and blows away like a cloud of smoke in the wind.
For some reason, all my friends named George have paranormal experiences.

Most likely a series of Geico commericals.

We will find that they are a highly intelligent species that are a secret military force in league with the Greys. They have been here for thousands of years working toward some secret goal that they can't tell us about. We'll find that the reason they've been so hard to find is the Grey technilogical devices they've been using to keep hidden.

[bear with me on this one…]

First, they would be captured for study and zoo placement. Then, once it was determined that they were pretty smart and understood cause and effect, we would work out ways to torture, that is, to "break" them (in the Horse sense) for domestication.

Once we had a reliable breaking technique, massive breeding programs would begin as every household in America decided to own one for a servant. Armies of them would be raised to work the citrus farms in the Southwest, putting countless Mexican migrant workers out of business.

This in turn would collapse the economy of Mexico, which would (out of desperation) wage a genocidal war on all "Homo Sasquatchens".

Canada, France and Great Britain would be forced into the fight for humanitarian reasons, and a huge Sasquatch uprising in the US (they now make up almost 1/5 of the population of the country) would set off the first Simian War. After years of bloody and costly conflict, the Sasquatch leader (know as "Spartaquatch" to his followers) would be defeated in battle and publicly executed, ending the conflict but leaving the US and Canada in shambles.

The UN would declare the Homo Sasquatchens species to be "Human" for legal purposes, and in reparation for crimes against their people, the Pacific Northwest from Alaska to Oregon (including parts of Canada) would be siezed to form a new Saquatch nation, displacing countless European and Inuit inhabitants.

Tensions over this "illegal land grab" would continue for generations, forging the Sasquatch into a hardened warrior people. After a series of border skirmishes, the Sasquatch sever ties with the rest of the world, threatening that anyone attempting to contact them will be dealt with severly.

Over the decades, global warming continues to make the tropical lattitudes less arable and forces the Homo Sapiens population further to the north, where they inevitably come into armed conflict with the Sasquatch again. The resulting conflagration erupts into a nuclear conflict, with the Homo Sapiens and their crumbling governments population bearing the brunt of the casualties.

In the distant future, Sasquatch legends will tell stories of small, wicked, hairless beings called "little feet" who wielded great magics and constructed huge monuments, but were consumed by their own treachery and greed. Some even claim to have seen them wandering the scorched deserts of the south. Most Sasquatch will believe these stories to be ridiculous "man tales" told to scare children, but a few will know the truth.

Where Bigfoot Walks: Crossing the Dark Divide
Robert Michael Pyle

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This is a well done and well written book. Naturalist hikes around Washington state and reflects on aspects of large hairy hominids. IIRC, it contains the text of a law in Washington that stipulates protections if ever discovered.

My serious guess is that we would set up parks for them. Then, industrialists would figure out what natural resources are under the parks, and then they would harvest those resources for pennies on the dollar for what they are worth causing the bigfoot to be driven to extinction because we won't let them leave the parks.

I personally hope that peak oil happens before we find them and that as another, smarter species, they take over the earth and are better custodians of it.

But, my honest guess is that they are extra-terrestrial mercenaries working for the Greys. They are called, by some, Wookie. It explains it all. They are seen EVERYWHERE. They are never found. They are never shot. There is little evidence other than sightings. See, mercenary space wookies doing some work for the Greys.

Yeah, mercenary Wookies workin' for the Greys. I'll buy that for a dollar.

(Which is meant to be an endorsement, btw.)

In the U.S. we would put them on tiny preserves and build themed amusement parks nearby. New-age folks would move close by and build boutique communities like Sedona.
They'd start appearing in commercials and movies.
Some rich nutcase will try to buy one as a pet.

The Japanese would try to have one host a game show and long hair would become a fad there for a few minutes.
Many Sasquatch themed anime and manga and garage kits.

The French would be the first ones to make one a citizen and try to teach it to speak proper Francais to no avail.

The Russians would discover would reveal that they'd known of a huge tribe of the things for decades.

But really, I think that, like most other bits of cryptozoology (including aliens and fairies)… they are as much a part of the observer as they are anything 'external'… not to say that I don't think they are 'real' in some way.

I remember talking to Obergerfrieters' dad about Sasquatches once. An old fellow from the Canadian Prairie.

He said he ran into Sasquatches on a number of occasions in the bush. I accused the Sasquatches of being Dukobhors with hairy backsides. He admitted alcohol didn't help at the time, but fell down laughing at the thought of Sasquatches being hairy, naked, Dukobhors. Being of Russian extraction, it made too much sense to him.

venusboys3 – that may be true of most cryptozoological creatures, but not Sasquatch! (And not of El Chupacabras either.)

Now Nessie and Champie are clearly fakes. :-)

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"Spartaquatch"

I have to tell you Lugal HDan, I almost choked on my sandwich when I got to that part!

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Lugal, long before that scenario played out the following would occur -

A respected SF author living in Sri Lanka would point out that he holds the patent on the idea of training sentient pongoformes ( Which is probably where a Sasquatch would fit in the classification ) years ago, and, since the French guy is dead ( I think? ) he will start a C&D order upon anyone training them until the problems are sorted out.

Arthur missed the Geosynch comm satellite, the silence generator and the multiple mirror 'death ray' . . He will NOT get caught out on the Simps. . .

"Spartaquatch"

Two days later, and I'm still laughing and shaking my head.

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CC – Glad to be of service. Careful with those sandwiches though. :-)

LOL. You caught me off guard that first time.

Tim Marshall may be on to something . . . Maybe Sasquatch is the key to make Stalin's dream come true:

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