"The Rules of Pulp" Topic

There are rules for writing pulp fiction, but just what are they? Well, lets make up our own, based on our knowledge of pulp adventure magazines and movies.

1. There are ALWAYS more natives.

2. The villain/giant-gorilla/alien-creature always wants the girl.

3. A fight should break out at least every other page (or every two pages---I think Lester Dent wrote that).

3) Any giant green hand will attempt to grip passers by. In terms of choice, see Point 2, above.

5) If in any doubt as to what should happen next, two men with guns will come busting in.

4. Villians always give long-winded explanation of their plans to captured heroes.

5. Villians always delegate the executions of heroes to others, which usually fail at the task.

6. Every male character should be wearing a hat.

6) Any villain worthy of the name will be permitted to return in a later adventure.

Dammit, Jack, you ruined the continuity!!!!

Oh, wait -

7. Continuity can always be solved by a copout piece in the next episode/chapter – "and with a bound, he was free!!!" Or see Harlan Ellion's apologetic complaint about it in 'How's The NightLife On Cissalda?'

8. Heroic Intuition reveals truths concealed to the most sensitive instruments, or beneath the most cunning disguises.

9. The countdown on the bomb will always be stopped with one second left to go.

10. No matter how escape proof a trap is, the hero will get out.

11. Villains never die despite being decapitated, burned and imprisoned in a sinking battlecruiser in the Marianas trench.

10. If you're duking it out with six two-bit thugs on top of a runaway train careening over the side of a bombed out bridge in a hurricane: nobody's hat will fall off.

11. If you're duking it out in an office with six thugs and four chairs, all four chairs will end up being thrown and broken by the end of the fight: and nobody's hat will fall off.

Mulligan

12) The Villainess will -always- fall for the Hero, and will either
a) Kidnap/torture the Heroine
or b) Betray the Villain, for which she will pay with her Life
c) both a) and b)

13. The Heroine will always end up with her clothing strategicly torn in order to be revealing but still modest.

14. The bad guy's daughter will be way hotter than the good girl.

15. The hero will fall for the good girl anyway.

Mulligan

16. Science can do anything!

17. There will always be at least one explosion.

18. In said explosion, the hero will be close enough to be shredded by shrapnel, but will escape unscathed.

19. The villain will never just be shot.

There has to be a busty and/or leggy broad…uh…I mean woman.

A.1: Stories can only take place in the "Official" Puple era!

Most scientific inquiry will be aimed at destroying the world.

This will usually start with New York City. There is a marked lack of interest in destroying Cleveland, at least early on the list. And foreign cities don't need to worry, because the readership is only vaguely aware of their existence.

The villains #1 sidekick will be either
A) A large hulking bruiser without two brain cells to rub together or
B) An Indian (India) with a turban who has a pet cobra.

Actually, foreign cities are destroyed all the time. I have the stock footage to prove it! (Fiendishly clever, those villains: they always manage to make the destruction of a foreign city look like an accident: or even cleverly disguise it as an earthquake.)

Mulligan

(If a supervillain did manage to destroy Cleveland,would anyone be able to tell? With apologies to Chrissie Hynde:

"I went back to Ohio
but my little town was gone
Some bald dude from Mongo
just turned his laser cannon on.
Oh, oh, where'd you go, Ohio?"

If you want more come back next week for the next thrilling instalment of…………

-Automatic weapons never run out of ammunition
-Villians always make sure they hire their thugs from the "Can't hit the side of a barn" Association
- At least one of the main characters has to be a pilot

sorry should have labeled the 20, 21, 22

All plans to kill the hero are over complicated,
and make Wily Coyote look like a genius!

Pretenders, Mulligan?

Don't forget the need for Airships!!

Handguns and SMGs are the most acurate firearms in the world, being able to shoot down airplanes in mid-flight!

(Or is that specifically a Commando comics thing?…)

If the good guy is shot it's only a flesh wound, if a minion is shot he drops dead like a puppet with cut strings. It doesn't matter if he's shot with a .32 or half a magazine of .45.

When things are at their bleakest, one of the protagonist's sidekicks will come up with a "cunning plan" to save the day.

(You know, a Blackadder-style pulp campaign with the players as the villains – doomed to fail, of course – could be a lot of fun to do.)

5) If in any doubt as to what should happen next, two men with guns will come busting in.

THAT was written by Raymond Chandler.

All Chinese/Japanese are:
A. Inscrutable evil masterminds
B. Martial Arts black belts
C. Restaurant owners/waiters with a slightly comic inability to "speakee Engrish"
D. Say "Ah So" at regular intervals

E. Have the "Mo" or "Bowl Cut" hair stlye..

So, is someone going to document all this for future generations?

20 something. The Hero has a supply of New superscience gizmos that work the first time, usually.

Yes, it is stored here:

TMP link

All evil masterminds are either orientals or British (with an upper class accent)! I blame the public schools …..

Aliens will always underestimate us simple humans. When they are eventually outsmarted, they should take the time to yell "that's not possible!"

Aliens also speak English. Actually, everywhere you go, people will always speak English.

Villains always wear tacky jewellery, or have a cat, or both.

Since heroes are never old or out of shape, they must either: a) retire early, b)die in their prime, c)be required to get tacky jewellery and a cat once they are out of shape and become a villain!

The heroine must get tied up/chained to something.

The hero's side kick must get wounded and carried to safety by the hero.

Regardless of where hero is wounded his arm must be put in a black sling for the closing epilogue.

#?
Aliens will loose by some means that are specific to the fact that they are NOT human. They don't have human anti-bodies or they (for some pulp-logic reason) need a human capacity for emotions to complete their plans.

#?+1
Whenever the hero overcomes an obstacle, another immediately arises.

+2
The reader/viewer will always be able to figure out the evil plot long before the hero – who will figure it out long before everyone else (sometimes with the help of the sidekick, the dame, the frail, or the old scientist).

Gongs! Pulp fiction must have a gong!

Aircraft:

At least one episode must end with the hero and the girl spinning towards certain doom.

China clippers or other seaplanes are good.

Airships – typically the bad guys' transport of choice.

Let's not forget the autogyro!

The hero's fedora is as important as his current main squeeze and he will risk a limb to save it. If he loses it someone will return it to him at the end of the adventure.

When the villains revolver is empty, he must throw it at the hero.

The jail cell/dungeon/crypt the hero is held in will have loose bars/loose rock leading to a secret tunnel or sewer/hidden door a totally unknown ally will use to rescue the hero.