"Military Anecdotes" Topic

Military anecdotes (apocryphal or not) can offer fascinating insights into military life, while helping to humanise what is often a very martial subject. With the TMP crowd's considerable collective knowledge, I thought it might be interesting to gather some favourite examples—from any age or army.

One example I am fond off concerns Irish recruits in the 17th and 18th centuries, particularly poorer rural men, entering the British Army, who were sometimes mocked by English comrades for going barefoot or for carrying their shoes and only putting them on when necessary.

This reflected an old Irish rural custom—Carraig na mBan ("The Women's Rock") which is linked to a local anecdote of people walking miles barefoot to Mass, saving their expensive leather shoes for only the final approach. It was thrift, not backwardness—and perhaps kinder to the feet than badly-made military boots. I believe the Celtic Toe compounded the problem (I, BTW, have such feet).

What are your favourite military anecdotes?

My favourite is from Plutarch's Life of Pyrrhus:

In 280 BC, following Pyrrhus of Epirus's victory at the Battle of Heraclea during the Pyrrhic War, the Roman Senate dispatched Gaius Fabricius Luscinus as an ambassador to the Epirote camp to negotiate the ransom and exchange of Roman prisoners captured in the engagement. Pyrrhus learned from his advisor Cineas that Fabricius was respected in Rome for his honesty and military ability, despite his personal poverty.
During the negotiations, Pyrrhus privately offered Fabricius a substantial gift of gold, presenting it not as corruption but as a token of hospitality and esteem; Fabricius firmly rejected it, declaring his contentment with Roman virtues over Epirote wealth. To further probe Fabricius's resolve, Pyrrhus arranged for him to observe one of his war elephants in action at dawn, hoping the spectacle would intimidate or impress him; completely unmoved, Fabricius remarked that neither the previous day's gold nor today's elephant impressed him.
Pyrrhus then proposed that, upon concluding peace, Fabricius join his service as a leading minister and general. Fabricius declined, countering that were he to join Pyrrhus' army they would make him King over Pyrrhus!
Separately, Fabricius received a clandestine letter from Pyrrhus's own physician offering to poison the king for a reward; scorning the treachery, he immediately disclosed the plot to Pyrrhus via dispatch, warning him of the danger and reinforcing his reputation for unyielding integrity.
Struck by these demonstrations of Roman virtues, Pyrrhus released the prisoners without demanding any ransom or concession.

I always liked

"Philip II of Macedon was reported by the historian Plutarch. After invading southern Greece and receiving the submission of other key city-states, Philip turned his attention to Sparta and asked menacingly whether he should come as friend or foe. The reply was "Neither."

Losing patience, he sent the message:

If I invade Laconia, I shall turn you out.

The Spartan ephors again replied with a single word:

If"

Now, it turned out badly for the Spartans because they were on their last legs and Phillip II had a superb army, so he beat the tar out of them – but it was a great reply

Dienekes the Spartan, on being warned before Thermopylae that the Persian arrows would blot out the Sun, replied, "Good! Then we shall fight in the shade!"

In Sun Tzu's The Art of War, Sun Pin the leader of the Ch'i army feigned a retreat from his enemy, P'ang Chuan of Wei, knowing the latter would assume it was cowardice and pursue. The retreat led through a narrow, wooded defile which Sun Pin knew his enemy would reach after dark. He ordered a group of archers to hide on one side of the defile, and then opposite them, he stripped a tree of its bark so it would visibly stand out in the fading light of evening. He then carved into the tree the message, "Under this tree shall P'ang Chuan die."
Later, when P'ang Chuan led his troops into the defile, General Chuan noticed the tree, and struck a light to read the inscription. The archers, who had orders to shoot at anyone holding a light, riddled him with arrows. The army of Wei was thrown into disarray, and Sun Pin triumphed over them.

I remain partial to the day in the run-up to his Russian Campaign when Napoleon, seeking to make a point, asked his ADC Jean Rapp "how many kilometers is it from Warsaw to Moscow, anyway?"

"Too many, Sire."

There's also the story of the Lieutenant in Vietnam ordered to clear out a village building by building. He assembled his platoon, and admitted that this hadn't been covered in his "shake n' bake" OCS training. Had ANYONE in the platoon been trained for this? No takers.

"Have you all seen how they do it on "Combat?" (It was popular WW2 TV show of the period.) Yes, everyone had seen it cone on "Combat."

"Good. Then that's the way we'll do it."

I hope the kid made general.

One of my favorites was told by Bruce Catton.
During the dismal Union retreat after 2nd Bull Run, a wounded captain was being carried by litter while moaning loudly about his wounds. A couple of random Confederate shells flew overhead and detonated in some woods ahead of the retreating column. The captain jumped out of his litter and took off running being chased by his litter bearers. The surrounding troops had a good laugh.

There are so many I have lost track. It would have been wise to have kept a journal of all the good ones.

Good thread and good Anecdotes… thanks!

Armand

From some American officer's AWI memoirs. Somehow his company of Continentals included a middle-aged German professional soldier of the type more common among Hessian and Brunswick units. At one point, the foreigner attempted to supplement his pay by selling charms against the hazards of the day of battle. The memoirist, a good product of the Enlightenment, asked "will this actually keep me from being shot? The truth now."

The old boy considered. "Against the musket ball, de charm work goot. But tat tamn crapeshot--Captain, I chust don't know."

Charge a section of 4-pounders and the warranty lapses. Fair enough.