"Next Tolkien Epic" Topic

Sir Peter Announces Next Tolkien Epic

Following an unprecedented string of successes in revising Tolkien's lifework to suit himself, Sir Peter has announced a new movie series. "I purchased the rights to The Encyclopedia of Middle Earth, which I plan to release as a loosely-linked series of seven movies. I will add about fifty per cent new material that tickles Philippa and me."

"I borrowed a lot of money from Andy to buy toy soldiers, so I agreed to feature him in a series of extended vignettes imagining what Smeagol could have done if he had not found the ring. This will allow me to incorporate some Gilbert and Sullivan comic opera ideas I was not able to work into "King Kong."

Anticipating some dismay from Tolkien fanatics, Sir Peter repeated his favorite statement, "They takes wot I gives ‘em."

I understand Dan Levy is in the running for Aragorn and Roseanne Barr as Eowyn.

There's also a joint venture with George RR Martin to combine Middle Earth with Westeros, again in a musical.

Somewhere I read that a Tongan mime troop was going to do the Nírnaeth Arnoediad in reflective backlit neon set to ELO music.

The orcs are overrunning everything and multiplying.

As long as we get more Elf Songs. One can never have too many Elf Songs.

I read it was Eugene Levy, not Dan Levy, who had the role of Aragorn. Rosanne Barr is playing a cave troll to save money on make-up.

Rowan Atkinson is playing Elrond, and Jeff Goldblum will be the new Gandalf. Jack Black is the new Bilbo Baggins.

I heard Betty White was the new Eowyn?

I was hoping that they might snag Christopher Walken for the role of Saruman in the comedy sitcom Fast Times at Orthanc.

I read in Variety they are also developing a long list of treatments for pseudo-reality shows, including:

Real Housewives of Gondor
Teen Moms of Eriador
Home Makeover: Rivendell Edition
Barliman Butterbur's Kitchen Nightmares
The Rohan Horse Whisperer
The Harad Shore

and of course,

The Great Lothlorien Lembas Bakeoff Show

Scrap the whole idea and make a movie out of
out of the National Lampoon version

You gotta love April 1st!

Here's the Bollywood version.
YouTube link

Lovely, the Silmarillion in a dozen movie parts.

What about CSI: Hobbiton? Or Law and Order: Dol Guldur? Not to mention the animated series set in the last days of Arnor.

You guys can't frighten me: I saw the Bakshi version in a theater.

I also heard one of the perpetrators of the Jackson Two Towers explaining that Tolkien would have written it more her way if he'd attended a writing seminar. No doubt he would.