For those of you not familiar with the Skippy List, check it out here:
link
Inspired by Skippy, some of us on RPGNet have been compiling a list of things Cadet Skippy can't do aboard the USS Enterprise (I've tried to edit out most of the really risque ones, for the children's sake, but some are still definitely PG-13):
1. Not allowed to use replicators to manufacture absinthe.
2. Not allowed to offer photon torpedo flume rides to new recruits.
3. I serve aboard the USS Enterprise, not "Jean-Luc's Party Boat".
4. "Shut up, Wesley" is not a proper response to an order from a superior officer.
5. Not allowed to hold orgies during diplomatic functions.
6. Even if the theme is "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations."
7. "The Aristocrats" is not an example of classic Bajoran humor, and it is wrong to tell Data that it is.
8. The "Eject Warp Core" button is not a toy.
9. Neither is the "Saucer Separation" button.
10. No loud humming of Stevie Wonder songs in Geordi's presence.
11. A toupee is not an acceptable birthday gift for a commanding officer.
12. Not allowed to invite Counselor Troi to a "Traditional Betazoid Wedding" in Ten Forward.
13. Not allowed to tease Miles O'Brien about being the only Chief Warrant Officer in Starfleet.
14. Not allowed to dress up like a Borg and hide in the Jefferies Tube.
15. Cannot tell Guinan that "Billy Crystal made a better host".
16. Can no longer heckle Riker during Talent Night.
17. The Prime Directive is not "Rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day."
18. Cannot use tribbles as currency.
19. I may no longer cite what I consider "blatant historical contradictions" between the official Archer and Kirk mission logs.
20. I may not use the ship self-destruct codes for free verse on open mike night.
21. I may not attach wet marshmallows to my forehead and stride onto the bridge demanding full diplomatic benefits as the representative of a new species.
22. I am not allowed to superglue replicated wasp nests to my skin the day before a medical examination.
23. Or any other type of hive or nest.
24. Starfleet has not been taken over by burrowing insect-like creatures and I may not tell new ensigns that it has been.
25. Even if that did actually happen a couple of months ago.
26. Starfleet does not measure the toughness of it's security personnel by seeing how long they can survive in a vacuum, and I may not tell visiting Klingons that this is the case.
27. I may not sell the Ferengi a secret recipe for replicating gold-pressed latinum.
28. Okay, it was alright during that one time when they had the only spare warp core for parsecs in any direction but never again.
29. Okay, never again unless ordered to do so by a commanding officer.
30. I may not ask Klingons what happened to their forehead ridges during Kirk's era. They do not talk about it.
31. Romulans are not Vulcans who didn't forget how to have fun.
32. I do not have a personal cloaking device, and the Captain was no spoiling my fun in pointing this out.
33. I may not clutch the wall and scream "Oh my god we're going to die!" every time I get in the Turbolift with a new ensign.
34. The transporter is very reliable and I will not deliberately beam up creatures incorrectly just to watch them explode.
35. Especially right before beaming now the representative of a primitive species we have on board for a diplomatic visit.
36. It's also not okay if their species is advanced.
37. I am not allowed to announce my presence in Ten Forward by shouting, "Set phasers on fun!"
38. I am not allowed to recalibrate my Tricorder to "Naked View Mode."
39. There is no such thing as "Naked Thursdays" on my homeworld.
40. I am not a Vulcan, and I do not have a rare condition that causes me to experience pon fahr every seven hours.
41. Cannot threaten to report the Captain to "Admiral Buck Rogers".
42. Cannot follow the Away Team to the transporter room playing "Taps".
43. Cannot tell the passengers on the Kobyashi Maru "
you, we're taking this boat to Risa."
44. Cannot post the ship's prefix code and shield frequencies on my blog.
45. Cannot encourage people to "drink" Odo while he's in liquid form.
46. No using the Holodeck suites….EVER.
47. No telling Commander Sisko you can see your reflection in his head
48. No ANYTHING with Kira or Dax or any combinations of the two.
49. No trying to sell Quark q-tips as sex toys.
50. No trying to help Quark sell q-tips as sex toys.
51. Do not try and play billiards with the Wormhole and the Defiant.
52. No silkscreening bulls-eyes on the back of red uniforms.
53. "Pig Latin" is not an acceptable output mode for the universal translator.
54. When it is his turn to do crew laundry, he will separate the colors. It is far to difficult to maintain the command structure when everyone's wearing flat grey-brown.
55. When crewmembers discuss the Voyager mission in his presence, he will refrain from humming the Gilligan's Island theme song.
56. It is inappropriate to refer to Captain Janeway as "Skipper", and even less so to refer to First Officer Chakota as "Little Buddy".
57. Strangely, the Borg chick seems to be okay with "Ginger".
58. The Prime Directive does not apply to my personal hygeine.
59. It is not within the jurisdiction of any cadet, or any member of Starfleet for that matter, to execute "Order Sixty-Six".
60. Don't apply super glue to the seats on the bridge. It prevents crewmen from fleeing their exploding consoles.
61. I may not, in times of crisis, shout my own made-up strings of technological babble at the crew.
62. James T. Kirk was the captain of the Enterprise a long time ago. He is not "the only real captain of the Enterprise", and what I think he may have done does not contravene what Jean-Luc Picard orders me to do.
63. Go-go boots and miniskirts are no longer regulation uniforms for female Starfleet officers. They are even more certainly not regulation for male Starfleet officers.
64. I may not degrade the position of ship's counselor by answering every order of "report" with "I feel paaaaaiiiinnnnn….".
65. The safety settings on the Holodeck are not "just for wimps". They malfunction often enough without deliberate tampering.
66. I am not a part of the Q Continuum.
67. I am not allowed to refer to the peacetime era Klingon Empire as "the Castrati Brigade", or to suggest that "real men disintegrate civilian transports".
68. When confronting an unknown, uncommunicative alien species, I may not claim to be possessed by their ruling elite, and demand a harem of earth females as part of peace negotiations.
69. I am to greet the Vulcan Ambassador with "Live long and prosper", not "We who are about to die salute you."
70. Cannot name shuttlecraft after porn stars.
71. There is no "Phantom of the Shuttle Bay".
72. In no known sentient culture is giving the finger considered a compliment.
73. Everyone in the men's room has already heard the one about "boldly going where no one has gone before."
74. Starfleet is aware that "to boldly go" is a split infinitive. This does not constitute a violation of the Prime Directive.
75. No more rumors about Troi's "special talents" being responsible for her outfit and relative position to the "dirty old man". We all know it was removed along with his heart.
76. No subspace messages to the Cardassians saying "neener neener"
77. There is no strip search policy for female cadets.
78. No referring to Commander Worf as "Captain Crankypants"
79. The Computer cannot process the query "Who did you sleep with to get this job, anyway?"
80. I can no longer make quote marks in the air when I talk about "Jean-Luc" or his "French" heritage.
81. I am not qualified to make random Holodeck inspections, especially not when Beverly and Troi are running their "private spa" program.
82. Not allowed to declare Red Alert whenever Troi's mother comes to visit.
83. The Starfleet medical corps does not, and never will, recognize the affliction "Sexlexia".
84. Neither the shuttles nor the shuttle bays are designed to handle "warp field donuts."
85. Stellar cartography is not a target practice room.
86. Facial hair is allowed as part of Starfleet regulation for men. It is not "proof that bizarro Riker has come to the ship".
87. Growing a goatee does not mean I am suddenly "mirror universe Cadet Skippy".
88. Even if I was mirror universe Skippy, I am not an admiral there, nor do mirror-universe ranks apply to normal Starfleet.
89. Even more specifically, they do not allow me to order female Starfleet officers to use the pain boxes on me because I've been a "naughty, naughty boy".
90. The anniversary of the commission of the Enterprise series is a time for reflection on brave explorers who made the galaxy a better place. It is not a time to put on prosthetic ears and play "grease the Vulcan".
91. Even if the first Enterprise crew did it.
92. I will not yell "dead man walkin'" at the sight of any Starfleet security personnel walking down the hallway.
93. There are in fact, four lights. Editing out one of the lights in the captured video footage of Picard's interrogation is just mean.
94. While Starfleet appreciates the initiative and technical skill it displays, Starfleet personnel will refrain from adding extra settings to their personal phasers, including but not limited to "tickle", "hot flashes" and "denude".
95. Likewise, the ship's tactical needs do not at this time require the installation of a "Death Blossom" function.
96. During incidents of first contact, I am requested to refer to Starfleet by its mission of the maintenance of peace and security throughout its area of influence, and not "A swinging gang of sharp pimps bringing hot ho's to every port from here to Hydra."
97. The ship is not currently suffering from a mysterious plague of madness, and I am to stop singing "I'll take you home again Kathleen" over the intercom.
98. Commander Data is a recognized sapient now. I will not reprogram him to be my butler.
99. Or his brother Lore.
100. Or the Borg.
101. I cannot program Seven of Nine to be my French Maid either.
102. I am not allowed to flush Wesley Crusher's head down the potty.
103. Even if the Captain orders me too.
104. I will not change the Starfleet Handbook to make "Talk like a Pirate Day" part of regulations.
105. Even if I'm under Captain Sulu.
106. Even if he's game for it.
107. Even if he really is acting as a pirate.
108. I will not say "WHAASSSUP" to Tuvok.
109. Just try it with Sisko and see how it goes.
110. It's wrong to play with Lieutenant Barclay's head.
111. Even if it's amazingly easy.
112. The main computer should not be reprogrammed to respond to users with "What are you doing, Dave?"
113. The transporters are not to be used to mix drinks.
114. Neither will they be used to remove women's clothing.
115. Reversing the polarity of the Captain's bidet is not funny.
116. I shall not hum the chant of the Winged Monkeys from The Wizard of Oz as I proceed to the transporter room for an away mission.
117. The replicators will not recognize an order for "Soylent Green, with extra blondes!"
118. Do not ask a Scottish crewman where "his little dress" is.
119. There will be no wedgies given to *any* foreign ambassador, Romulan or otherwise.
120. No starship whatsoever is authorized to have a "How's my driving?" bumper sticker affixed to it.
121. The Holodeck is not for mud-wrestling.
122. Or Jello-wrestling.
123. Or that thing with the Orion slave-girls.
124. "Kick butt and take names" are two things I am not authorized to reply with when queried as to our intentions by an unknown race.
125. "The Neutral Zone" is *not* the area between the bottom edge of her bra and the top edge of her panties.
126. Reprogramming the replicators to think that "Tea, Earl Grey, hot" is an order for warm bacon grease is against Starfleet regulations.
127. I am not a Betazoid chaplain, and must stop offering to conduct weddings.
128. A bat'leth is not authorized for use as a cooking utensil.
129. There will be no "Wild Women of the Ba'ku Refugees" swimsuit calendar. Period.
130. K-Y Jelly is not part of an away team's basic load.
131. Lt. Commander Data is not to be referred to as "Plasticman", "C-PO", or "Robocop".
132. "Walking the plank" is not an authorized disciplinary technique for Starfleet crewmembers.
133. My quarters are not to be referred to as "Captain Winky's Love Hovel".
134. Dancing naked around the warp core is prohibited.
135. Commander Data is not "undead".
136. Lt. Commander Worf is not to be scratched behind the ears under any circumstances.
137. No captain of a smaller starship should be accused of having "nacelle envy". Especially not over hailing frequencies.
138. No, we do not have to destroy the planet in order to save it.
139. The ship's counselor does not recognize "lap dancing" as a form of therapy.
140. "Tribble bowling" is not an authorized activity, and no sports are to be conducted in the hallways in any event.
141. The Captain's ready room is not "the Bat Cave".
142. I am no longer to say that I "love the smell of photons in the morning" after each tactical exercise.
143. Some races might be offended to have a wobble-head doll made of them.
144. Dilithium is not an analgesic.
145. The ship's surgeon does not do *that* kind of operation. Neither will he give me "Spock ears".
146. Sonic showers are not to be reprogrammed to play "The Ride of the Valkyries" while in operation.
147. The Klingons do not "shake their boo-tay" at any sort of cultural festival.
148. Captain Picard's head is not "a solar panel for a sex machine".
149. The quartermaster does not have "snakes, snakes, big as garden rakes" in his supply room.
150. A bullwhip and fedora hat are not authorized equipment for away missions.
151. Neither is the transporter an "express elevator to Hell, going down".
152. The Nazis did not hide the Ark of the Covenant on Tau Ceti IV, and I may no longer ask to beam down to look for it.
153. A phaser rifle is not to be referred to as a "boom-stick".
154. I did not feel a great disturbance in the Force.
155. "Holodeck Squeegee Man" is not a valid Starfleet job description.
156. The ship's surgeon is neither a "medicine man" nor a "witch doctor".
157. Do not tweak an Andorian's antennae. Neither may I ask him how the reception is.
158. Fuzzy dice are not appropriate decorations for the Helm station.
159. The Enterprise is not my "hooptie", and neither may I "pimp" it.
160. Commander LaForge is to be greeted as any other Starfleet officer, not with "slip me some skin!"
161. No, I did not return from the last away mission with "jungle fever".
162. I will not send the new cadets out in space suits to "check the turn signals".
163. I am not allowed to switch the dilithium crystals with Folgers Blend
164. I will not refer to Capt. Pike as "Timmy".
165. The warp engines will not go faster if I offer them a blood sacrifice.
166. Just because the Federation has no money does not mean I can plaster posters of Joseph Stalin all over the corridors.
167. A visit from the Bajoran ambassador is not the perfect time for a David Cronenberg film festival in Ten Forward.
168. "Reversing the polarity of the neutron flow" is not the answer to the ship's every technical problem.
169. I will stop telling primitive cultures that the Federation is under the rule of the Mighty Favog.
170. I will stop leading sing-alongs of "All Together Now" in the engine room.
171. Our mission has nothing to do with hunting down "Blake's ".
172. I may not set Data's emotion chip to "passive-aggressive".
173. No more Exocomp fights. Period.
174. I will stop reporting for duty with a plastic "H" glued to my forehead, nor may I back out of physical labor by claiming my "hard light drive" hasn't come in yet.
175. I will stop introducing other cadets to "that sexy radiator chick from the radiator planet."
176. We do not have an annual production of "Oh, Calcutta!" or "Marat/Sade", and under no circumstances may I direct either.
177. Not allowed to go from door to door selling "Federation Scout Cookies."
178. I may not address the Captain as "Locutus". Or "Gurney Halleck".
179. I may not offer to induct members of the opposite sex into the "Warp Club."
180. When a visitor or new crewman asks the way to the lavatory, I may not claim there are none on board.
181. Or that we "just use the transporter."
182. I may not set the Holodeck to simulate a gaping hole leading out into space, and cling shrieking to the doorway.
183. The Captain did not ask me to "scan the planet for hotties."
184. While Commander Data is, technically, a robot, he is neither "rock'em" nor "sock'em".
185. Our mission statement is, "to seek out new life and new civilizations," not "star trekking across the universe, boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse."
186. Henceforth, the "high score" indicator will be removed from the main viewscreen.
187. I am not authorized to change the ring-tones on my communicator pin.
188. While I am encouraged to use my free time creatively, nude séances and cock fighting in the cargo bay are not encouraged.
189. The LCARS computer is not to be reprogrammed to print out everything in l337s34pk.
190. The Enterprise is not interested in changing its long-distance carrier, and I am not to encourage such sales pitches.
191. We do not "fix bayonets" when beaming down on an away mission.
192. Wherever I got the bayonet, I have to return it immediately.
193. I am not allowed to carry a white flag with me on every away mission, even if my commanding officer is French.
194. I must not ask Captain Picard why he never gets as much "action" as Captain Kirk did.
195. Panty raids may be a cadet tradition, but they are not to be performed with body armor, phaser rifles, and breaching charges.
196. I am not allowed to use my phaser to roast chicken.
197. Tribbles are flammable. Also, animal cruelty is considered a no-no in Starfleet.
198. Itching powder + a Klingon's armor = a bad idea.
199. Spandex may be skintight, but simply painting my body to look like a Starfleet uniform does not count as being in uniform.
200. I will not mortgage the Enterprise.
201. I will not tell the aliens that I have a substance that can destroy their entire race if they tick me off.
202. It doesn't change things if I claim Kirk did it.
203. My apologies, apparently Kirk DID do it and it's called Korbium.
204. I will not marry local native girls and claim amnesia/time sickness/local mating flower to leave them behind.
205. Although apparently it's a Starfleet tradition.
206. I may not question Ambassador Spock about the hippie years.
207. Or how I can "score" some of the pollen.
208. I will not cite my ship to get hotel rooms.
209. …even though I hear Captain Sulu does it all the time.
210. No attempts to bag myself a shapeshifter.
211. Even if Kirk did it….
212. I will not attempt the slingshot thing around the sun to visit the mid Eighties.
213. Or the mid Nineties.
214. Or in general.
215. There will be no shouting "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN." at any point or time in Starfleet
216. Especially during a formal banquet.
217. Even if Khan is there.
218. I will not attempt to hit the Nexus so I can become director of Girls Gone Wild.
219. Or for any other reason.
220. I will not summon the holographic Doctor to give me a bigger endowment.
221. I will not advertise that the Doctor can give people bigger endowment.
222. I will not reprogram him to look like Kate Moss.
223. Or any other sufficiently attractive female.
224. Do not make fun of the fact Moby Dick is the Captain's favorite book.
225. Do not ask him if it es him off that Janeway is an Admiral and he's not.
226. Even if it does.
227. I will not invite him to get plastered with me.
228. Even if he's game.
229. I will not replace Worf's training program monsters with Pokemon.
230. I will not help Moriarty take over the ship.
231. Or Goldfinger.
232. Do not paint a huge Jolly Roger on the front of the saucer.
233. Do not inform people expecting transport of the away team's coming by saying "Avast me harties! Prepare to be boarded!"
234. Do not pronounce Tasha's last name with a YARRRRR
235. Cutlasses are not part of the standard Starfleet uniform.
236. No, I cannot get my phaser in 'pistoleer'
237. We do not fight ship to ship in Starfleet like in Cuthroat Island.
238. No use of the word "booty" in any context.
239. Where is all this pirate stuff coming from?
240. You will not tell Marquis that they lost because they chose a French name
241. Starfleet believes every race is to be treated with dignity. As such, even a race with only Iron Age technology is not to be referred to as "You primitives".
242. This especially includes Vulcans.
243. The chances of a freak transporter accident sending me to a female Starfleet officer's bathroom during likely hours of bathing are approximately one in a billion. The chances of it happening three times in two days are nonexistent, and it better not happen again.
244. "A return to basics" as a ship policy is an attempt to instill greater efficiency and dedication in a Starfleet officer's work. It is not a call to shoot the men and make love to the women of every alien world encountered.
245. Many aliens have bumpy ridges on their foreheads. This does not make them "Klingon-lite".
246. Worf is not "Klingon-lite" either.
247. The anti-matter relays in the warp core provide a flux of material that powers the ship. They are not a convenient garbage disposal.
248. Trying to talk the Romulan ambassador into doing a "Romulan ale kegstand" is not appropriate diplomatic behavior.
249. Ships are not a democracy.
250. As such, it is not proper for Cadets to attempt to "vote off" the current captain in favor of a ruthless alien invader to the ship on the grounds that "the new guy isn't a pansy".
251. There is no Article in really fine print on the Federation Charter that allows me instant promotion to Starfleet Captain.
252. There's no treasure map on the back of the Charter either.
253. It is wrong to tell Cadets this.
254. Or Romulans.
255. It is wrong to ask the Captain if he got surgery to get out of the wheelchair.
256. Or if he has psychic powers.
257. ESPECIALLY asking him if he's leading a band of superpowered terrorists against Starfleet.
258. Even if it's true.
259. It's wrong to use the Dominion Mass Meld for a pool party.
260. The Obsidian Order is not a frat.
261. The Prophets of Bajor are not Jay and Silent Bob.
262. And Sisco is not to be referred to as Rufus.
263. Deep Space Nine is not "Our last, best hope."
264. Commander Data is not to be called "Your plastic pal who's fun to be with!"
265. Not allowed to replace all the replicator recipes with something almost, but not entirely, quite unlike tea.
266. Shuttlecraft drag racing is not okay.
267. I am not allowed to toilet-paper the Spacedock.
268. I am not a travelling videographer for "Girls Gone Wild", and Deep Space Nine would not be an appropriate venue for such in any case.
269. There is no such thing as "Gorn-skin boots".
270. I am not the resurrected spirit of Ron Jeremy.
271. I am prohibited from attempting to capture alien beings of pure light in a jar for use as a nightlight.
272. I am to stop telling the new cadets that flogging is an authorized punishment for minor offenses aboard ship.
273. Holodeck costumery is not to be worn outside the Holodeck. Also, my Sailor Moon program is no longer authorized to be run on the Holodeck.
274. Starfleet does not owe me "three hundred trillion frequent flier miles".
275. I am not to program the turbolift to play "Dancing Queen" every time the Captain enters it.
276. A captain's starship is not "his way of compensating for something".
277. Don't taunt the Starfleet Marines. They don't have the sense of humor for it.
278. I am not allowed to dare the new cadets to paint Worf's chainmail sash neon pink.
279. The command crew enjoy their th century sailing-ship program on the Holodeck just the way it is. Under no circumstances am I allowed to add mermaids, giant squid, or scurvy to their program.
280. I am not the love-child of Ambassador Sarek and Princess Leia.
281. Post-combat operations are not known as "Miller Time".
282. It isn't funny to ask people rescued from Borg assimilation where their USB port is.
283. Nebulae are not referred to as "God's flatulence".
284. I am not allowed to "go commando" in a spacesuit.
285. Chief O'Brien's bagpipes do not justify an intruder alert.
286. The highest ready state onboard the Enterprise is Red Alert. It is not Mauve Alert, Fuchsia Alert, or Kiss Your Butt Goodbye.
287. I have never been knee-deep in grenade pins.
288. Despite my Southern heritage, I am not allowed to wear a red flannel Starfleet tunic. Neither am I to refer to the main phaser bank as a "varmint gun".
289. Photon torpedoes are not phallic symbols.
290. I am not a mime, and am not to attempt to communicate with alien races using charades.
291. It is inappropriate to use the transporter to dump the ship's trash in the holds of a Ferengi ship.
292. Tractor beams are not for personal use. Also, we are not allowed to "play billiards" with satellites in orbit around any planet.
293. Medicinal or not, the hydroponics bay is not be used to grow *those* plants.
294. I am to respond to the Captain with "Yes, sir", not "Jawohl, mein Herr!"
295. "Funk" is not a recognized religion, and James Brown's birthday is not a recognized holiday.
296. My clothes were not suddenly sucked through a rift in the space-time continuum.
297. The Bajoran deities are not to be referred to as "cornhole aliens".
298. I may not sharpen my tricorder to repel borders.
299. Admiral Janeway would appreciate no longer being featured in my CGI version of "Kiss Me, Kate". This might have something to do with casting General Chang in the part of Petruchio.
300. I am not an Orion slave-boy, and I am no longer authorized to replicate green dye.
301. The main computer is not to be reprogrammed to end every sentence with "in accordance with the Prophecy".
302. No one wants to "say hello to my little friend".
303. The Jeffries tubes are for authorized maintenance personnel only. Also, Jello is not to be replicated in any quantities other than for personal consumption.
304. "Tricking Out" the shuttles is prohibited.
305. As is chroming the engine nacelles of the ship.
306. Engineering has determined that putting an R-Type sticker on the warp core does not increase output. It also leaves a sticky residue behind.
307. I will not spell a silicon-based lifeform's name as the "WhoreTa".
308. There will be no more spreading rumors about Oompa-Loompas in the Jeffries tubes.
309. There is no "ramming speed."
310. That is, in fact, a moon, and not a space station.
311. Things were not better when Starfleet uniforms were made partially of spandex.
312. There was never such a thing as "Star Trek novels" in this timeline.
313. I shall not tell Captain Janeway "I woulda prefered the ex-porn actress in your role."
314. I am not Captain Archer, lost in time and trying to set things right, hoping each leap will be the one home.
315. And I'm not a dead Vulcan, inhabiting my body due to a last-minute mind meld.
316. And I'm not an android replica of myself, either.
317. I may not display self-awareness of my status as a fictional character.
318. I may not stare into the camera.
319. I may not attempt to trick the camera into revealing boom mikes or the edges of the set.
320. I may not comment that this is the same corridor I was just in.
321. I may not point out the anime in-jokes of others.
322. Any technological solution to a plot point that occurred during the final act of an episode should be considered a one-off, and I may not employ it to avoid my assigned duties.
323. I may not recreate bizarre transporter accidents for fun and profit.
324. The Horta is a valued fellow sentient and crew-member. It is not my "pet rock."
325. I may not use "breaking out of a time loop" as an excuse for my actions.
326. The replicators CANNOT produce "another Enterprise", and I should stop trying to program them to do so.
327. The Enterprise is not "the Embassy Suites in space". As such, I may not book rooms for random passengers.
328. Especially by the hour.
329. To boldly go where no man has gone before does not refer to down my pants.
330. Especially when it involves a Trill symbiote.
331. All roads do not lead to Orion slave girl auction houses.
332. Khan's "with my last breath, I spit at thee" speech was a meaningful expression of hate to his mortal enemy. It is not appropriate to use when testing phaser alignments on asteroids.
333. Vulcan ballads do not end with the English phrase "..said barnacle bill the sailor".
334. I am not phase shifted out of synch with the rest of the crew, no matter how many times I say it.
335. Even if I was, I would still have to wear pants.
336. The Starfleet admissions criteria does not include "no fat chicks".
337. The phrase, "They did it on Voyager," is not a valid excuse.
338. Standing at the leading edge of the saucer shouting "I'm the king of the world!" at warp is not allowed.
339. …nor is getting Data to do it.
340. In fact, all copies of "Titanic" aboard ship are to be destroyed.
341. It is not proper to shout "Iceberg, right ahead!" when on Navigation duty.
342. See the reference to "Titanic" above.
343. If I say anything more about "The Captain's secret mutant training school", Section will make sure no one finds my atoms.
344. … same if I mention his "Training of planetary royalty in the ways of combat."
345. When traveling back to 19th century Earth on a historical observation mission, I am NOT allowed to start a Second American Civil War.
346. … Or a Second English Civil War, for that matter.
347. … and my name is not Cromwell.
348. From now on, ambassadors are to be greeted by my silence, not "What's shakin', low fat bacon?"
349. I may not call Constable Odo "Jelly-man."
350. …nor may I spread him on a piece of bread with peanut butter and call him lunch.
351. Do not ask Ensign Kim why he has not been promoted in seven years. Just don't.
352. No more fishing in Captain Picard's tank.
353. You may not recommend that Worf return to his 'pageboy' look. It's so un-warrior-like.
354. I will stop staring at Dax and counting her spots. Yes, they go all the way down.
355. Constable Odo has grown tired of hearing me say "Wonder Twin powers, activate!" whenever he walks by.
356. He also doesn't take *that* particular shape, ever.
357. I will no longer sing the title song from "Stand By Me" when Ensign Crusher walks by.
358. Tummy rubs are never okay, and even less so when dealing with the Klingon delegation.
359. Warp nacelles glow blue and red. Any attempt to get them to get them to glow hot pink, rainbow, or "tye-dye" will result in disciplinary action.
360. I will not weld a giant "kick stand" to the engineering hull.
361. Neither does the Enterprise need a topless mermaid statue affixed to its bow.
362. I will not lock the Klingon and Romulan ambassadors in a small room together "to see if they will fight".
363. I did not hear a Who on my dust speck, and even if I did, they would not qualify for Federation membership with myself as their spokesperson.
364. The Captain's dress uniform accouterments are not to be referred to as "bling".
365. Lunch breaks are a crewmember's right, but I cannot claim one every hour as the Enterprise passes through the time zones of the planet below.
366. New crewmember orientation will not include a reenactment of the time "the Captain, like, totally went Borg".
367. Life-sized blow-up dolls of Species 8472 are no longer authorized aboard ship.
368. Mine is not the superior intellect.
369. Vulcans do not lambada.
370. Kzinti do not "make great pets".
371. Tactical is not to be ordered to "give 'em a broadside!"
372. The main deflector array and the ship's holo emitters are not to be used to make Spacedock look like a giant mushroom.
373. Nor are they to be used to project "KIRK LIVES!!!" on the surface of Earth's moon, for all the world to see.
374. Ship's phasers are not to be used to scrimshaw asteroids.
375. Bolians are supposed to look that way. I am not allowed to sand the "mold lines" off of them.
376. Captain Spock will not the sing the Bilbo song for me, and I am to stop asking.
377. I am not to petition Q to give me wings.
378. Genetically-modified food is not "Borgalicious!"
379. Nanoprobes are not to be used to make people smile against their will.
380. "Efrosian ambassador", "replicator malfunction", and "depilatory cream" — if the Captain ever has to say these particular words in the same sentence again, I will do hard time.
381. The dependent children onboard the Enterprise are not my "Baker Street Irregulars".
382. The Captain's Holodeck handball program is not to be adjusted to allow the ball to reach relativistic speeds.
383. Lt. Commander Worf is not a merry man, despite what Holodeck programs he participates in.
384. Commander Data is not to be told about how great it would be to have an eye on the back of his head.
385. Sledding in the cargo bay is forbidden. Also, I am to report to Cargo Bay 3 with a shovel and bucket after my duty shift.
386. Earth girls are *not* easy, and I am not to tell visiting alien delegations that they are.
387. Female cadets are not my "ho's", I am not a "pimp", and that particular act is not "twenty dollars, same as in town."
388. Tactical officers must stand at their station. They may not elect to use a lawn chair. At no times are hammocks authorized on the bridge.
389. I should not ask Seven of Nine where I can plug her in at.
390. While the crew enjoys an occasional sports event, "greased Klingon roping" is not acceptable.
391. Visiting alien representatives are not to be referred to as "the forehead of the week".
392. I am no longer to ask alien representatives if they lost anyone at Roswell in 1947 or if they know where Elvis is.
393. The Enterprise is not serial numbered "En-Cee-Cee-One-Seven-Oh-Fun".
394. I will not name newly discovered alien species "Snookums", "Flavinoids", "Lipomas", or "Andromedan Trouser Snakes".
395. The section of deflector shields protecting the rear underside of the engineering hull are not to be referred to as the Enterprise's "panty shields".
396. I am not allowed to install "a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway." Especially not when that hallway leads to some critical engineering access panel.
397. Status reports are not to be given in Elizabethan English.
398. Ship crises cannot all be solved by consulting a Vegas lounge-singer program on the Holodeck. Therefore, I should not try to impersonate him on the bridge.
399. I am not allowed to pet Neelix.
400. Never, ever ask a Bajoran woman if she has a corresponding earring… um, well, you know where.
with some 'babes', and she did the rest...
