Dear Uberhare
Here is how battle reports under my "heme" work out.
THE BATTLE OF Fleu Decoup.
By Otto Schmidt
The salient features of the Battle of Fleu De Coupe Were quite different than those which held sway in The Battle of Picknickov. Briefly the action of the campaign and the battle report can be completed in one report. The dynamics of the campaign were already covered in my last post (go look at it) and it transpired as a struggle of two brigades of the Kingdom of Flounce attempting to fend off a raiding and plundering punitive expedition by the Kingdom of Bad Zu Wurst. The latter had two cavalry Brigades, while Flounce had an elite brigade and an infantry brigade. The Bad Zu Wurstian forces thus disposed of four regiments of heavy cavalry, four of light, two of dragoons, and two light guns, and two wagons, while the Flouncease had four infantry, three elite regiments, two dragoons, two light guns, and two wagons. What would be significant also was that unlike the clash of armies last time, each side had only six low ranking officers (1's and 2's) and not the magnificent cadre of 13 they had the last time.
One of the facets of the "Oh God! Anything But Six!!!" rules is that some strategic units (Brigades) offer a choice of units, and the Elite Brigade was one such. The three Elite regiments can be either Grenadier or Light infantry, and in this case, Mike Lorenzo, the Flouncease commander chose one Grenadier and two Light infantry regiments. In addition, Light infantry can be broken down further into six stands of SCUM or skirmishers, but Mike did not choose this option.
The terrain for both sides was equally defensible, and was staged on a border between Flounce and Bad Zu Wurst. It is shown in the map and basically had a river running about a third of the way up across the short side of the table, which was 6 x 12, and the battle was fought in that axis as well. In "Oh God! Anything But a Six!" victory is determined by the use of Victory cards, which can be either strategic points, special units or critical losses. The first two are usually placed by the players themselves, and the Critical Losses gained when a side destroys an enemy unit and rolls a 5 or 6 on one die. It then gains this card to add to the victory total accrued at the end of the game when you have a unit standing on one of the cards. In this game, I did not use the Special Units (camp, headquarters, or Line of Retreat) and only the other two. Thus the location of the strategic points is shown by the little yellow stars on purple squares. I placed these generally around the board to signify the plunderable points, Grandmothers house, The Gingerbread House, Wafflehause, and so on.
One significant factor in the game was that the numbers of units was low, and both sides would be faced by different challenges. The Bad Zu Wurstians would be handicapped by a lack of infantry, but the benefits of great mobility would be with them, and as they had to more or less hit and run this disadvantage would be in some sense rendered minimal. The terrain however favored the Flouncease.
Norm Thyme and Sean Thorne commanded the Bad Zu Wurstians, while Mike Lorenzo and Peter Frechtling the Forces of Flounce. Mike opted for a defense in depth, opposing any advance across the Bridge with his regiment of Grenadiers and the guns, backed by light infantry, and on the flanks with the line regiments, with the Dragoons in the immediate rear to shift either way. Note that the advantage in terrain was going to be minimal as the way it was arranged meant that it would inhibit the movement of any Flouncease reserves as much as provide protection to the troops in front.
The first turn of the game began with Sean holding off about one brigade of cavalry for an outflanking move. Norm was charged with forcing the Right Ford, while ineffective cannonading marked the efforts around the center. The event card for the first turn was Master Maneuver which really was of no use to Sean as his intentions did not coincide with this. Significantly Sean s attempt to move off the board to encircle his enemy failed miserably, and Norm was held up at the ford by the solid Flouncease infantry, and though thrown back, they were able to recover and retake the ford on the next turn.
The next turn saw the Event Card False Ford/Find the Ford which allowed Sean to nominate any one of the river hexes NOT fordable as fordable, or conversely to make a ford unfordable. None of these however was of the slightest use as he already had more than enough fords . Once again though his outflanking move did not pan out and he was stuck on the board with almost a third of his forces doing nothing again. Norm however managed to push back the infantry and due to a favorable pursue card in the melee, advance in to cover his crossing.
On the third turn the card Idiot with Initiative was drawn, but it specified that Mike and the Flouncease were those to use it. This card allows him to move one unit of the enemy force as he wishes. He pushed Norm s units back over the ford, but could not in the event in the subsequent movement phase, get his own units up to the ford again so it remained lost. On this turn Sean finally succeeded in getting his flanking move off the board and on its way.
On the fourth turn the event card was " Scattered Volleys" . This allows the side with the card to roll a die each time the card is used. If it is a six the card is cancelled. Anything else and the enemy units fires as if its fire rating is 1. This Sean and Norm used to some effect but it was not a huge effect. Norm continued to push back from his ford and drive back the Flouncease forces. Sean succeeded in coming around and entering the board by The Gingerbread house in the extreme left rear of the Flouncease forces. This they captured easily but were soon opposed by a regiment of Flouncease infantry.
Sean s fifth turn came around and he would have had to roll on the 1 to 2 initiative card, but he got quite lucky and drew the Keep Initiative card from the event deck. This card is normally not so decisive, but now when he needed it it was welcome. It gave Sean the mobility to keep Mike pinned everywhere while his outflanking move tried to do its worst.
Sean also at last had succeeded in getting across the Bridge, and the left ford and the Flouncease units were getting stretched thin, especially after losing two of their line infantry regiments in melee.
One of the features of OGABAS is the ability of units to cover ground, matched by the attrition factor of numerical superiority. In order to keep Norm and Sean (Bad Zu Wurst) from running rings around the Flouncease forces and making deep penetrations under the enormously facilitated initiative move (troops can move as far as they wish so long as they don t come into the zone of control (8" of an enemy unit or enter rough or very rough terrain) a defender will have to spread himself out to cover space. Once the advantage of the river line was lost this would be harder to do and Mikes lines were stretched to the breaking point several times simply to keep the lines covered. This meant there was a huge gap 16" wide at one point, still covered though by the zones of control of the light infantry units and one infantry unit, which the Flouncease could advance INTO but not go through, even though they had initiative. Aided by the fortuitous presence of the woods, a single stand of Grenadiers was able to screen Mike s right center while on the right Norm s cavalry was pounding the Flouncesase around The Gingerbread house. Sean was trying to push down the road from the Left ford, and Sean s cavalry around The Gingerbread House was charging the infantry placed in front of Fleau Decoup. A break on any one of these positions would have meant the collapse of the Flouncease line and the whole valley would be put to the sword.
Sean now played his 1-2 Initiative card and to the surprise of all, rolled a 1, thus giving him initiative for another turn. Mike got the Portrait Opportunity card but the one minute was not enough for him to think of some action or bon mot to get him a free victory point and so the game continued without enlivenment for the history books.
The battle ended shortly thereafter with Mikes gaining the initiative, but though he was able to recapture The Gingerbreadhaus , he had lost too much do much more and so he held three of the plunderable houses, Sean held three, but Sean had two Critical Casualty cards and so had a victory of 2 points. As Norm had one of his brigades helping, they split the two points.
Dinner was then held, Chicken Tarragon over pasta with wine and garlic bread. After dinner the intentions were taken for the next game and Mike (sort of ) finally wangled his way into his crusade against Ikea.
PURKPLE PROSE REPORT
In the world I have envisioned the major thrust of all reports from Bad Zu Wurst are a documentary trail of dispatches to and from Faustus the Grump, King of Bad Zu Wurst, and his younger brother, Umberto. Both are military genius, but their professional discourse soon trails off into typical bickering, sibiling rivalry and out and out nastyness.
The battle of Fleau DeCoupe
To Prince Umberto , General of the Army of the Barcarole
Headquartered at Bombazine.
From King Faustus.
Monsieur. It is our wish that you teach the perfidious Flounceasease a lesson. It has come to our attention that they have appropriated the Grunriesethal of our state as part of their province of Formicacia. This area has long been under our sovereignty and they, the Flouncease, under some spurious pretext of a border rectification have claimed it as their own. You are therefore ordered to lead a brigade into he area, eject any persons the Flouncease have established there, and reclaim it for our realm. I have no doubt that the dolt who rules in Floucne has again been bamboozled by his ministers and mistress , and not knowing his ass from his elbow, has been deluded by these miscreants. You are therefore called upon to enlighten him
Faustus so called The Grump.
To Faustus, King In, about, over under around and through of Bad Zu Wurst.
Barmecide,
From Umberto your loyal Brother.
My Sovereign. I am a bit mystified by your order for us to repossess Der Grunriesethal, as it presently has my troops all over it, and we are, in fact, in full possession of it and have been for these many years. No one around here has seen any hide nor hair or any Flouncease troops, and there are no signs or traces of them. The ususal things one sees when the troops of Leonardo XV are in the area, wagons plundered, farms looted, the theft of merchandise from the peddlers, and the dispensing of candy to children around the school yards from under their voluminous white coats , the systematic killing of the women and raping of cattle, we have not a single report. Needless to say there has been no word. I therefore ask you for confirmation of your order to carry out a punitive expedition, for I can see no evidence of the depredations you assert. I do note that there was a minor incident a few weeks ago where two women crossed the border claiming to be Flouncease countess. This matter was investigated and the two were treated with the utmost chivalry and respect due to any noble women, until we verified that they were in fact Flouncease countesses after which we treated them accordingly. They departed from us quite happy and vowed to come again for the parties.
Prince Umberto
To Prince Umberto , General of the Army of the Barcarole
Headquartered at Bombazine.
From King Faustus.
My dear brother. Are you saying that your sources are better than mine? Why the Prince of Larcymouse who is the enemy commander in charge of the province across from you has forty cooks and one spy, while I have forty spies and one cook. I have the dispatches right in front of me which state quite clearly that he has taken the Grunriesethal, and is presently sending his troops all through it oppressing the weak and meek and carrying off everything of value. Further the entire area has disappeared from my map! Such effrontery cannot be counseled. I order you to not only repossess yourself of the aforementioned Grunriesethal but drive across the border and plunder the area around Fleu Recoup as punishment for the depredations these miserable canaille have inflicted on us.
By the way, are you SURE you are looking at the right map? The area is the Grummriesetahl.
King Faustus.
To Faustus, King in blah blah blah, Bad Zu Wurst
Barmecide,
From Umberto your loyal Brother.
Your Majesty.
I have dutifully investigated this again, and can find no sign of Flouncease troops having entered our dear Bad Zu Wurst. I did hear (I have spies too, but also keep several cooks) and what they tell me (the spies not the cooks) is that indeed the Prince of Larchymouse has been ransacking his province across the river, for he was desperate to find out where the two Flouncease Countesses had gone to. It appears he had special ordered them from the capitol and they came with the highest recommendation and references. (All of which the men in charge of entertaining them when they were in our camp attest to.). Once these dainties were sent back across the border, (we think with a tiny countess in each of them) he called off the search, though our spies report that they were listless and lackadaisical about their Countessly duties when with the Prince. Anyway, again there is no sign of any soldiers having crossed the border. By the way, are you sure YOUR map is correct? I have it clearly marked on mine, and I also have a copy of the map that the Prince of Larchymouse is using, and it agrees completely with mine though of course the name of the place is in Flouncease and is "Val De vert geant jovial ho-ho-ho."
Prince Uumberto.
P.S. I just received a letter from Lieutenant Beitz of your staff, who I asked to look at your map, and he tells me that the corner of it which shows the Grunreisethal, was folded over and creased so that it did not show. He has said that once it was flattened out and ironed a bit, the Grunriesethal was shown in all its bucolic glory.
To Prince Umberto , General of the Army of the Barcarole
Headquartered at Bombazine.
From King Faustus.
My brother! You are malingering again. I have said that the Flouncease must be punished for their perfidy. Has it not occurred to you that the enemy is devious and cunning as the fox, and it was no doubt a Flouncease agent that did the folding and creasing of the map so as to remove it from my gaze. Remember my old sayings to you "Out of sight, out of mind!" Thus they attempted to deprive us of our beloved citizens and soil the honor of Bad-Zu Wurstian maidens. I peremptorily order you therefore to raid and pounder the area around Fleu Decoupe in reprisal.
King Faustus.
To Faustus, and so forth and so on.
Barmecide,
From Umberto your loyal Brother.
My dear Sovereign.
Have you seen this place lately? Tthe Bad Zu Wurstian maidens you wax poetic about all have a "heffeiresque" quality that at times makes them indistinguishable from the cattle! So I partly do not blame the Flouncease for their practice of raping the cattle. They get confused. In fact, the aforementioned Flouncease countesses were the only females that one would not expect to see bellied up to the trough or relaxing in the mud. In any case I shall execute your instructions.
In advancing this design I have discovered that the Flouncease have two and not one Brigade across the border, and I have contacted the commander of our allies forces, The United Never-Neverlands who has posted a cavalry brigade here for his permission to use his troops to even up the battle. As soon as this arrives I shall advance and execute your orders.
Umberto
To Prince Umberto , My lazy brother.
Headquartered at Bombazine.
From King Faustus.
I do not see why you have to involve the forces of the Stadtholder of Never-Neverland. Surely a full brigade of our splendid Cavalry should be more than enough to dispel a few of the rabble of Flouncease that you say are out there. What must I do to be obeyed? Come there myself and do it. Are you not aware that I must attend to our yearly parade of the army which is instrumental in impressing fellow and allied sovereigns of our power and might. Can I not leave the simplest details to you! Why must you always be so willful. I recall that you always toadied to our late father and went tattle tale to him, and always sought to undercut me! I have not forgotten! You have, by using the Brigade of the King of Never-Neverland now caused the state and me a great expense, for we shall have to pay for them and for any damage done to them! I should, like our late and unlamented father, take every Pffennig out of your salary.
Faustus.
To Faustus, the Lord High King of Misers.
Barmecide,
From Umberto your long suffering brother.
Your majesty. The force has departed upon the mission you have charged me. We are presently in the Grunnriesethal where all is safe and no trace of Flouncease presence is found. I assure you that the young heifers of the region are doing very well and mooing contentedly. The cows are quite contented too! I should say that these maidens are not that bad (once you get used to them) and you might do well to take a few to serve you in the palace. I admit that they are somewhat more substantial in the hind quarters than your whippets, but you would get used to it and they don t bite when importuned, as I am told your dogs do.
Anyway We advanced to the River Dance which is the border between our state and the kingdom of Flounce. We will cross it tomorrow and execute your orders upon the hapless Flouncease. By the way it wasn t me who constantly tattled on you to father, it was that little minx Whilhelmina, your favorite who did. I m amazed you never realized this.
Umberto
To Prince Umberto , My lazy brother.
Headquartered at Bombazine.
From King Faustus.
What!? I am astonished you have only reached the River Dancse! Are your feet mired in cement! You should have made that place a few days ago! Why are you so slow? Do you not realize that time is of the essence and the more you tarry, the more the Flouncease have time to take counter-measures to your attack! I knew this would happen. Wilhelmine told me all about you, and don t think I have forgotten that time when father caught me in my Flouncease outfit and playing the flute besides! I took a severe beating for that! I shall not forget!
Faustus
To Faustus the King of the Whippets
From Fleau De Coupe.
We arrived here in good time. Check your map, the corner has probably folded over again, or else one of your dogs has piddled on the map and erased the ink. The river Dancse is crossed by three points. The Right Ford, Left Ford, and the Rude Bridge that arched the flood in the center. All were guarded. Under orders by you to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma s House, we made the following dispositions. From what we could see of the enemy he had the crossing covered with two regiments of foot and two batteries of artillery. Both fords seemed guarded by detachments of Grenadiers. I mounted a diversionary attack by a regiment of Light horse on the left, and two regiments of dragoons in the center, where our own guns occupied the enemy. My main striking force was of four regiments of Never Neverlandian horse which were to attack on the right ford, and another four regiments of our own Bad Zu Wurstian horse under General Gneisenuf to make a wide flanking movement, going down river to an unguarded ford and coming in behind the enemy position by forced march. General Ohnslogger of the Never Neverlandian forces commanded his brigade and manfully charged the ford but did not succeed in brushing away the enemy grenadiers and was turned back. Unfortunately I was then informed that the flanking movement of General Gneisenuf had not moved a inch. When I went to that General and inquired why, I was informed that the good general was under the weather, having acquired what we call The Flouncease disease from the ministrations of the two Flounceasean Countesses we had apprehended the week before. The officer, in much distress, I relieved of his duties and turned the command over to General Schoenuff . I then went off to arrange support for the good Ohnschlogger, and to make more effective our attack in the center to support him. I was again chagrined to find that Schoenuff had in his turn not executed the flanking movement, and went back to the position of the Brigade. Here Schoenuff confessed that he had succumbed to the same ailment as Gneisenuff but noted that it was from the "other" Flounceasean countess, and not the one that Gneisenuff had been laid (in every sense of the word) low by. I immediately dismissed him and appointed General Snideschlitz in his place and he, firebrand that he was, and preferring whippets, like you, to Flouncease Countesses (though I cannot understand why) was free of contagion. Satisfied all was now in order I received word that the Brave Ohnslogger had taken the right ford and was driving against the Gingerbread House on the right, held by a regiment of the enemy dragoons and a light infantry regiment. At about midday the flanking column under the redoubtable Snideschlitz came into the Flouncease rear. Attacking the position around Grandma s House. Much was hoped of this thrust, but alas the Prince of Larchymouse was able to shift his last reserves to block us, and we eventually were only able to threaten the village of Fleu Recoup. It seems that one of the aforementioned Flouncease Countesses had been found in Grandma s House and Snideschlitz, receiving a minor wound, insisted he be carried off the field into this house to be rescued under her tender ministrations. The action on the other end of the field, around the Gingerbread house was also fierce, it changing hands several times and, I might add, that the other Flouncease Countess who was found in the house changed hands several times as well.
The Prince of Larchymouse attempted to regain these places, but was not able to and so they were right and truly sacked by our troops before we withdrew at days end. I do note that in compensation for not being able to thoroughly wreck the area we severely mauled the enemy forces in the area. The matter is I think successfully concluded.
Your unfortunate brother Umberto.
PS. We did manage as spoils of war, to carry off the Flouncease Countesses and I shall send them to you for your interrogation and as trophies of our brave arms. They are quite fetching and I have made sure through our brigade surgeon that they have been rid of the ailments that brought so many of our troops low. I heartily recommend that you play with them rather than your damn un-palace broken dogs! By the way the reason Wilhelmine disliked you so much was that "Flouncease outfit" you liked to dress up in was her dresses and under things, which would not be so bad except you insisted in dressing your whippets up in them as well.
To Prince Umberto , My idiot brother.
Headquartered at Bombazine.
From King Faustus.
I am shocked and saddened that once again you have failed to obey my orders! From what you have told me in your dispatches it is entirely to your own negligence and obsession with Flouncease Countesses that you have come away with only half a loaf from the raid on Fleu Recoup! Why did you not march sooner! Why did you not pay more attention to the condition of the flanking move?! Have you not read in "Instructions to My Generals," Chapter 5, section IV Paragraph 23, Sub-paragraph 19, Citation AB23/49CD- xy 9, Addenda 22, errata 443, about the necessity of timely inspection of the kit of general officers to make sure that the proper prophylactics are present and used, and if a general does not take the most intimate inspections of his men he has no right to expect performance. Why this is a gross strategic mistake tantamount to not inspecting the flints of a squad of musketeers before action! I am also quite certain that you do not observe the proper stitching of the Feldwebels chevrons two fingers above the elbow, which cannot have but the most detrimental effect on the performance of the men! Had I been there I would have had Gen Shoenuff gone over the river and through the woods to Grandma s House on the right, and the Stupid Ohnslogger would have attacked the central ford. I have discovered that by our contract we are not required to pay the pensions or salaries of any troops of the United Never NeverLands if they die, only while they are alive. Further I would have been the first task of the army to outflank the Gingerbread house and Take Fleu Decoup! How can our state prosper when you make such gross mistakes! I am, my dear brother almost driven to cashier you.
Faustus
PS. I have seen the Flouncease Countesses you have sent me, and they are quite unsuitable! While certainly beautiful and I am sure well versed in the practice of Flouncease Countesses, They are quite useless for my purposes. They were quite horrible at "saying hello," "shaking hands." "Rolling over," " Playing dead," and as for "fetching" when I threw the stick they watched it fall and looked at me as if to say "If you wanted that thing why did you throw it over there!"
is back from Council of Five Nations.
