"The last word on TMP" Topic

Hello? you want what?? A team of foreigners for a spelling contest? Well I've a Spanish waiter you can have if you like? He's from Barcelona you know. Manuel!!

I wish I'd thought of that!

Hello? hello? Die did you say??

We've been cut off by some sort of interference. Blasted German jamming I suppose.Just the sort of dirty trick they'd get up to.Probably eavesdropping on our calls for all we know. I'll show them!

Wilson!! Get Jones's van and get the platoon on board. We're going to HQ, it's under attack from Spanish 5th columnists posing as a spelling team!!

Do you think that's awfully wise Sir?

Men! The Last Word is under threat from teams of German elite spellers and Spanish 5th columnist infiltrators. Since we invented the English language I'm determined that I'm having the Last Word on TMP. Now, all aboard the van and we'll get off to HQ and secure it from the foreign invaders!!

Don't you think you should try ringing them once more before we set off Sir? Just to be on the safe side/

Oh very well, pass me the telephone Wilson.

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Hello? Are you ringing about the grey squirrel? It's supposed to be a secret!

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Grey Squirrel?? That must be the code name for the 5th columnist!

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I've got some bad news Capt Mainwaring, I've no petrol, you'll have to push!

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I haven't really Joe, I just like to see Mr Mainwaring having to push.

Finally after 6 exhausting miles they arrive……

Welcome!

Are you sure this is the right place Sir? And who is this dreadful man?
HQ is cunningly situated in a seaside hotel Wilson so the Germans don't spot it. He's Fawlty.

Is he really? How absolutely awful, my dear chap how terribly nice to meet you.I'm so sorry to hear you're not well.

Never mind all that now, look here my good man, in the name of the King I demand to search your headquarters. I have information that you have a Spanish 5th columnist here who is linked to a secret agent called Grey Squirrel and I need to arrest them both before they can steal the secret of the Last Word and smuggle it out to Germany.

Shoot them Captain Mainwaring, go on , you've every right to.

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Look out there's one of them now! Shoot him Capt Mainwaring you've every right to.Go on ,just like Edward G Robinson in that film Confessions of a Nazi Spy. Uncle Arthur and I saw it at Eastgate last week.

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Very well, hand me the Tommy gun Pike and stand back everybody.

He's not very big is he Capt Mainwaring? Are all German agents this small??

A fine war trophy for the platoon Wilson. I think it would make a good toupee.

What do you think? After all, it was good enough for Davy Crockett.

Just in case there are any more undercover spelling teams hiding here trying to find out what is the Last Word I've devised a little test to see if they break their cover.

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We may have to call in the expert sniper .

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So Grey Squirrel wasn't actually a secret agent then Sir?

What I'm about to tell you Jones is absolutely Hush Hush do you understand? That squirrel was a highly trained German squirrel that was parachuted in to try and sabotage our brave boys attempts to win the spelling contest and have the Last Word.

How was that Sir? Oh and by the way, if you get any more of them can I have them for the shop as I can pass them off as rabbit if you know what I mean Sir?

These are trained commando squirrels Jones, sent here to gnaw through our telephone wires and disrupt vital communications!! We must stop them at all costs before they disable our entire telephone and radio network. Imagine trying to organise a spelling team with just carrier pigeons, postmen on bicycles and what not? Oh no that wouldn't do at all. The Last Word might fall into German hands and we don't want that. Imagine, all those words with o and e joined together, and those two little dots appearing over everything?

Excuse me Sir but why don't we train our squirrels to sabotage them in return, a sort of tit for tat don't you see?

Excellent idea Wilson, I was wondering who'd spot that one first! Actually Winston has already thought of this. We are training a small army of secret agent squirrels as I speak.
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They are to be called Squirrel Operations Executive, or SOE for short. The plan is to parachute them into Europe and bury every nut they can find. Lets see Hitler have his ersatz coffee every morning after they've done that, by jove!!

You have just made the squirrels angry

Time for a musical interlude:

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Refreshments anyone? Ice cream?

How much are they lassie as I'm a poor wee Scotsman and only a ha'penny to ma' name yee understand?

I thought we were coming ta see Confessions of a Nazi Spy, and instead yon Mainwaring has dragged us oot ta see a training film on German Squirrels! Bah!It's rubbish, sheer rubbish!!

You have to know what they look like Frazer, they're only this high.

Meanwhile at the Eagles Nest

Mein Fuhrer, der Abwehr informs me zat der Englanders at dropping der Secret Svuirrels in France mit orders to grab our nuts!!

Zis ist terrible news, vot about mein coffee in zer mornings? If zer Pritish drop 100 svuirrels in von night ve vill drop 1000, 2000, 3000 svuirrels until zey surrender. Ve vill have zer Last Vord.

Mr Mainwaring, I didn't know the French are completely mad! They aren't are they?

Von Smallhausen, I haf had a message from Berlin informing me that the British are parachuting secret svuirrels into France looking for our nuts!
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Vot do they look like Herr Flick?

Actually zere is something of a similarity with you von Smallhausen.
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Tell me, do you have any nuts?

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Yes Herr Flick, two small hazelnut vons I am quite attached to.

Zen put them on zer desk and I vill compare zen wiz my two enormous conkers.

I think it is time Helga left zer room don't you von
Smallhausen?
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But that isn't fair Herr Flick, I never get to play with your conkers!

The Fool was once the head frog-squasher of the Gobernador's estate, a duty deemed highly important after some frogs that were placed in the ornamental ponds on the estate happened to be incredibly poisonous, completely suited to the climate, and a damned nuisance thanks to their croaking.

Excuse me Captain Mainwaring but there's a man dressed as a Jester at the door wanting to know if you need any frogs removing from your pond?

Yes that's very, very interesting.

Please tell ME more.

Curious, this female specimen appears to have ears very similar to a Vulcan.

Curious, this female specimen appears to have ears very similar to a Vulcan

Yes, and your point is…?

Clearly not his own ears!

Perhaps he mean this sort of Vulcan?

NO!

Page.

That the last word on The Miniatures Page.

Clue's in the question, people, clue is in the question.

Until the next one………..

Latest information from Abwehr says zat der Pritisher squirrels have hidden all our nuts Mein Fuhrer.

In zat case I haff decided ve vill attack Russia .

For Lebensraum?

Nein, for zere nuts, Eva ist making me drink der Englisher tea und it is terrible.I vont mein ersatz coffee in der mornings.She has me doing der crossvord in der newspaper as vell. Four letters, Zumzink found in der bottom off ein parrots cage.Zumzink zumzink IT.

GRIT Mein Fuhrer??

Of course! Vot a Dumkopf I am! Pass me der eraser Hermann.
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I vill never make der elite spelling team for der Last Vord at this rate!

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Last night Hermann, Eva papered der entire ceiling in der bunker und I haff to spend der whole night like zis holding up mit der wallpaper.She vonts it to look nice for zer presentation ven ve vin der Last Word!

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Today zer gut news unt der bad news.
First,at last some gut news from der front! Mein champion spelling team haff been drawn against der Englander team von Valmington on Sea.Now ve shall see who haff der Last Vord.

Und now der bad news.
Eva haff decided eversink must be chintz in der bunker vor der presentation.Soon ve vill be having der fairy cakes und paper doilies und I vill be having to drink mein tea mitt mein little pinky sticking out.

Oh look, page 24 already.

It is the final proof of The Last Word's omnipresence that it need not exist in order to engage us all.

Good grief, Charlie Brown!

What's all this then?

I haff some bad news for you mein Herren. I haff had to postpone der invasion of England which vos to haff been started a veek on Tuesday. Eva is haffink der new sofa delivered zat morning. Ziss ist der plan of der sitting room in der bunker.As you can see it vould be best placed in ziss corner.

Vot about putting it near der fireplatzen Mein Fuhrer so you can sit und toast your crumpets on der fire?

Ve can't toast crumpets on der fire, Goering keeps putting his big fat body in der vay und blocking all der heat..
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You could put it here instead Mein Fuhrer?

Nein, you know vot women are like? Ve vill spend all day trying it in every corner three times, und move all der furniture around und around, und then she vill put it back were ve had it in der first place!!

BY JOVE! I've only gone and won the bally thing!

I want to thank everyone, especially Bill who made it all possible …I'd like to, but …

MUAARH!!

…and my Wargaming Spouse didn't know I was doing it! Funny that!

Goodbye!