"Wife Hates Your a Hobby, What Do You Do?" Topic

As I suspected from your original post, it sounds like she is just being selfish, and unreasonable.

You should be able to spend some personal time on anything you like, excepting perhaps other women (that usually gets nixed in most marriage contracts, but apparently not all), and/or the meth lab thing (since that's illegal).

Perhaps she could be encouraged, nicely, to find a hobby to pursue, during the few hours you get to indulge in yours, so you can both be happy.

I agree with Dynaman, counseling may be the answer. There could be something else going on or at least you're not seeing things the same way and a counselor can act as "referee" to explain each other's views without the drama. Better to check it before something blows up.

Your marriage is in trouble. Your wife is unhappy and it doesn't have anything to do with your hobby. She probably doesn't really know what's bothering her and is using your gaming as the most convenient object of her discontent. This is why no matter what you do she will not be happy. Give up gaming entirely and she will start in on something else.

If you ask, "I gave gaming and your still not happy! What more do you want? " She will accuse you of blaming her because SHE didn't ask you to do it.

She is not being mean or petty or controlling. She is "just" unhappy and doesn't know why and is just striking out from frustration.

You guys need help be it a therapist, clergy or some kind of support group.

Until the underlying problem is addressed nothing will be solved.

My wife has known about my hobby from date #2 at least. She has zero interest in it and only superficial interest in history. There have been times when I did very little gaming (working 80+ hours a week and being on call 24/7 will do that), but there was always SOME hobby activity. Money spent has never been an issue. She''s happy to see me game within reason (usually once a month or less), paint (much more time) etc because it makes me happy, and that makes HER happy.

I would agree, counseling is in order, as there is/are highly likely issues that have nothing to do with your hobby per se.

I am lucky. My wife encourages me to paint and play (and to play golf). She says that it was what I did when we met, and she does not want to change the guy she fell in love with.

Similarly, I encourage her to pursue her own activities.

Reminder to self: send her flowers for no apparent reason.

"Reminder to self: send her flowers for no apparent reason."

Aye live dangerously and risk being asked "What have YOU done?

tberry has called this one right in my view and I speak as someone who is coming up to 31st anniversery. Sometimes whatever you do it will be wrong the trick is to find out why.

Its supposed to be a life enhancing partnership not a war of attrition and there is no harm in saying so.

Divorce her … Its the only to be sure

This is why I'm single, and enjoying every day of it, since I can do as I please.

Of course, the companionship of a good woman is nice as well. Finding one is hard.

Sleep around with her friends for a few week as a replacement hobby, then she will be happy with wargaming.

"Your wife is unhappy and it doesn't have anything to do with your hobby."

That's the wisest statement in this entire thread.
Your wargaming hobby isn't the only thing she complains about I'm sure.

What kind of woman has such disdain for a hobby that keeps her husband happy? What kind of relationship do you have outside of the gaming situation? What about her hobbies or collections? I have plenty of hobbies including hunting and miniature painting/gaming. My wife could care less. She doesn't game but likes that I have something to do other then hang at home. She doesn't even get mad when I go out after work and grab a beer or go to the occasional titty bar…I spend the greater amount of my time with her and our kids but she understands my need for an outlet. I bet she doesn't give you the remote control either…

Dear Walter White

You have a problem.

A few questions?

1. How long have you been married?

2. Did she know about your hobby before you got married and did she object to it then?

3, If no, then how long after you got married did she start objecting to your hobby?

4. If the answer to 2 is Yes, then why did she get married anyway? Why did you marry her. The sex can't be THAT good.

5. What is the nature of the marital strife that is coming up?

My own hunch is that

A. If this came up recently then there's another guy. She's looking for divorce reasons. Or else she's getting old and she wants attention-- constantly-- you have a drama Queen on your hands.

B. If it was there before you got married then you have fallen afoul of the greatest and most virulent delusion females have -- namely that "they will change the parts about a man through her love." Once they see that's not going to work, then they do it through their histronics and that most woman if you scratch the surface, you'll find a drama queen.

C. How much is your fault? The greatest delusion of all males in the world is that the woman they married will not change after they married them.

Tbery is right. There's a 80% chance this has nothign to do with your hobby. My own wife of 42 yearsis higly supportive of the games, and while she doesn't game hasn't said a peep about them in a bad way, and as she tells her friends it "keeps him off the streets and out of the bars, and no matter what he spends on it, it's too little to make any "other woman" happy." But we have seen this before. Had a friend, this is years ago, who got married a few years after us. He was a gamer, She would game with him. Three months after they got married, we had them over for dinner. I asked him what he was doing in gaming. He replied he had given it up and wasn't interested in it any more. I was shocked! This was like he had said he wasn't intrested in breathing any more. I asked him why, but I could see that the new wife didn't want to go down this road, so I asked him if he wanted to see what I was up to. She said he didn't have time for that any more." This only set me off so I practically dragged him down to the game room. While we were in there, his wife said to Dorothy, my wife, that She had told him he had to dump his hobby literally the day after the wedding. When Dot asked her "I thought you liked gaming." She snorted and said "That was before, I'm not going to put up with that shyte now, and I don't understand why you let Otto get away with it."

After they left I never heard such foul words and adjectives uttered by my shy, retiring, Catholic wife who never says an unkind word about anyone.

Something elese is going on mate. Sorry for you.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles too Walter. Without knowing you or your wife there's no way anyone can truly understand this situation but from what you describe clearly illustrates that whatever problems exist in your marriage have very little to do with anything as trivial as your hobby; but in all honesty I'm sure you're aware of this yourself.

Every seriously healthy marriage relies on both parters having opportunities for genuine quality time exclusive from each other, as well as quality time together; time spent together where they can be honest with each other, including themselves. By your brief description neither element exists in any real way in your marriage.

Do you have faith? Is your wife a woman of faith? Do you share strong ideals or principals that can exercised to bring about an environment of trust or unity? You need to get strong and brave about this. This life is far too short and precious not to confront the real problems between you and your wife. You married this woman so there's obviously something worth fighting for. Remember that person you fell in love with…she's probably still there if you're really willing to dig deep and examine where both your lives stand and where they are headed.

I'm a man of faith so I'll pray for your situation and I genuinely hope things can be resolved through honest and humble communication. Anything that would help bringing this about would be a definite direction to take.

All the best and God bless

John

Good grief!! So many amateur marriage counselors on a wargames forum.
My friend, this is the last place that you want marriage advice from.

Move on.

Actually I think there is some good advice to be found here. And why not post here since there is a good chance others may have had a similar experience? Of course, the trick is separating the good advice from the bad!

both nevinsrip's "good grief" post and Texas Jack's follow on are very sound words. I'd temper any response with the understanding that we are reading but one side of the issue, though WW seems to be forthright and simply seeking a way forward. To be honest, I had the same thought another poster had – that maybe she is the one misbehaving and seeking to punish WW for her own miscreant activities. But rather than offer advice I am not qualified to provide, I'll just be sympathetic.

My wife of nearing 16 years, while not unsupportive of my modeling hobbies (yes, plural), is a total time suck personality, High Maintenance to an absurd degree. I've tried get her involved in hobbies of her own – at considerable expense at times, though that is a minor issue in the grand scheme – but she is just one of those people who live to work and live at home to absorb the most meaningless crap on television (subjective, of course). She has 'friends' but in those sixteen years hasn't gotten together with them three times, no #@$%^&* kidding!. So, somewhere along the way I just put my foot down, HARD, and told her I will make time for my hobbies and my friends whether she likes it or not. She may have been grudging in her acceptance but at least there was acceptance. Of course, I made certain to tell her before we married that I won't put my foot down very often but, when I do, there will be no arguing with me about it. In those sixteen years I've done it maybe three times. And there has been no arguing.

Walter, you seem to be in a challenging place and the best advice here has been about communicating. Just communicate with your wife – and perhaps more importantly – communicate with your inner self about where your life priorities truly lie. And then move forward from there.

I wish the best of luck in landing in a better place, whether with your hobbies or with your wife. And hope it is a joyful combination of both.

Life loses its meaning without joy.

Well disparage the advice as you wish, but some of it has been pretty good and much of it is the digest of what you will get from any marriage councellor or relationship facilitator, and all without the exhorbitant fee. Rememvber the counsellor has NO motivation to help you. If they do, the fees stop, so he or she will spin it on forever. Plus you have some poeople here who've been through the whole thing, plus counselling and have the bills and scars to prove it.

Take their advice.

And one more thing. The counsellor doesn't know you from adam and he's not at all sympathetic to you. At least here you're getting advice from fellow gamers who ARE sympathetic to you.

WW, you have gotten some really good advice here. I think everyone in a marriage needs and deserves time for themselves, and spouses should recognise and encourage that.

The single best piece of advice, repeated, is to see a counselor.

And sit down and say exactly what's on your mind, like you have here, and try to listen with an open and accepting mind to what she has to say.

If she doesn't want to talk about it and communicate in an open and honest spirit of understanding, that's a danger sign. An issue I saw in my own failed marriage was that my ex- was more interested in selling her side to the counselor than she was in listening or understanding.

Good luck!

Assuming the OP is not exaggerating or can't see the situation objectively then his wife is being unreasonable.

Many women are excessively controlling especially as they age and lose their charms.

Maybe she will mellow out – it could be a hormone thing or a mental health thing. Is she under a lot of stress? Are your kids growing up? Does she have any friends or hobbies of her own? Is there a money issue at all?

I spend a lot of time gaming using my computer. It costs nothing but does take up time. My wife sometimes minds and sometimes is OK about it. It depends a lot on her state of mind generally.

I worry the OP's wife will not be amenable to reason nor open to counselling either.

When my wife is having a problem with my gaming time she is not willing to see my side of it but at other times she can accept it.

If the worst comes to the worst and you divorce then it won't be because of wargaming. You could give it up entirely and she would only find something else to take issue with.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for the best.

BTW – My first wife was an avid gamer – it was what had brought us together – but over time we drifted apart and divorced. It was hard at the time and a little acrimonious not to mention costly but in the end I have moved on to do and experience things I never would have otherwise.

My wife plays RPG's and we play ASL together at times, so no worries there.

In general though, it's okay for adults to have independent interests. Me and my wife can be pretty co-dependent but our interests are largely separate. She has her things and I have mine.

We'll listen to each other talk about it and be supportive but there's never been an assumption that we must do the same things.

If someone outright denigrates you for your choices in life, they aren't good partner material, gaming or not.

Just came across this post again. Seems WW hasn't posted anything since this one…Shame, I hope he finds happiness either way, with his wife coming around and letting him have his hobby or alone without her hate for it …

If this is still a question…
>>>
You've said it is about painting time. How much time do you spend painting? Does your wife get an equivalent amount of time on her own to do the activities she enjoys?

When you want a couple of hours off after time with the kids, do you give your wife a couple of hours off every time for her to enjoy herself by looking after the children on your own?

If your job is stressful and you get through it by looking forward to getting home, it may be time to look for a new job (aware that there are a whole host of potential problems with that too)

If it comes to it, there are other hobbies you could find that would do for relaxing and enjoyment. But there is a lot of good advice in the posts above first.