"Any good submarine jokes out there?" Topic

My wife is speaking at the ceremony for the SSN 758 USS ASHEVILLE and I was wondering if any of you old salts had a good opening joke she could use.

Thanks in advance.

What's long and hard and full of seamen…Maybe not

Um.. all the jokes I know are not really appropriate for the audience on here..

try to find Jose Jimenez as the submarine officer

Start off with. Never do Knock Knock! jokes with deep sea folk they inclined to open the hatch( or send a torp to investigate), but no, seriously folks you are ALL a lot brighter and dandy than you look. Or words to that effect depending on how salty the crew are. Hope this helps your wife. Cheers

"I can neither confirm or deny that there is a joke in this speech"

Q: "How do you sink a (ethnicity of scorn) submarine?"
A: "Knock on the door."

General comment on something: "That's as useful as a screen door on a submarine."

Not quite related, but close:
Q: "How does an (ethnicity of scorn) admiral view his navy?"
A: "In a glass bottom boat." (submarine might work too)

We need another one of those like we need a screen door in a submarine.

Tom

About Submarine Chiefs in the RN (Cob in the USN?) but adaptable

Are the only people that can make "Sir" sound like a four-letter word.

Think that Officers should be seen and not heard, and never, ever, be
allowed to read books on leadership.

Don't eat quiche, they can't even pronounce it.

Don't have any civilian clothes.

Don't remember any time they weren't Chiefs.

Have a coffee pot next to their desk with a tube running from it to their arms.

Propose like this: "There will be a wedding at 1000 hours on 29 October, be
there in whites with your gear packed because you will be a prime participant."

Don't know how to tell civilian time.

Call each other "Chief."

Greatest fear is signing for permanent loan items.

Dream in Navy Blue, Black, Haze Gray and occasional White thrown in for
good measure.

Have served on Boats that are now war memorials or tourist attractions.

Have the heart of a little boy, kept in a jar on their desk.

Call their wife, CINCHOUSE.

Have tattoos and are carefully tanned.

Can find their way to the Senior Rates Bar, blindfolded, on 15 different
Navy Bases.

Have pictures of Boats in their wallets instead of their wife and kids.

Don't own any pens that do not have "MOD Property" on them.

Don't order supplies, they swap for them.

Don't drink, not since the invention of the funnel.

Love quotes. Their favourite is from the movie Ben Hur,
"We keep you alive to serve this ship.

Anther one eminently adaptable, but RN humour is more sacrilegious, than is acceptable in the USN, perhaps.

In The Beginning

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God and all else was darkness and void without form. So God created the heavens and the earth. He created the sun and the moon and the stars, so that the light might pierce the darkness. And the earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the seashore, God called ROYAL MARINES, and dressed them accordingly, and the flighty creatures of the air, he called AIRY FAIRIES, and these He clothed in uniforms which were ruffled and foul. And the lower creatures of the sea, God called SKIMMERS, and with a twinkle in His eye and a sense of humor that only He could have, God gave them big gray targets to go to sea on. He gave them many splendid uniforms to wear. He gave them many wonderful and exotic places to visit. He gave them pen and paper so they could write home every week, and He gave them make-and­mends at sea, and He gave them a laundry to keep their splendid uniforms clean. When your God you tend to get carried away.

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested, and on the 8th day at 0700, God looked down upon the earth and God was not a happy man. So He thought about His labours, and in His infinite wisdom, God created a divine creature and this He called a SUBMARINER.

And these SUBMARINERS, whom God created in his own image, were to be of the deep, and to them He gave a white woolly jumper, He gave them black steel messengers of death to roam the depths of the sea, waging war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them hotels to live in when they were weary from doing God's will. He gave them subsistence so they might entertain the ladies on Saturday nights and impress the hell out of the creatures called SKIMMERS.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and say all was good, but God was not happy because, in the course of His labours he had forgotten one thing. He did not have a submariner's white woolly jumper. But he thought about it and thought about it and finally satisfied Himself knowing that NOT JUST ANYBODY CAN BE A SUBMARINER.

Did you hear about the sub that managed to get a couple of inches of water in the bottom? They driled a hole in the floor to let the water out.

It's not much of a joke, but a Petty Officer 2nd on my old watch would say there's only two types of Naval vessels: Submarines, and targets.

Got to be a way to work that into a speech.

Have the lady watch "Down Periscope".

It's the most accurate movie in terms of the crew of a submarine…

A submariner coming to the end of his 22 and is looking for love…and a hobby…

His mate tells him to put an ad in the paper – but to make sure he asks for photos so he can filter out the munters…

'Ex Submariner looking for love with lady who owns a boat. Please send photographs of the boat'

Boom boom Tish!

Talking of boats, I'm sure she can mention how much they love their subs to be called ships…! An ex-Oberon officer made sure I never made that mistake again.

You could always give her a copy of The Dolphin Code – that's always good for fits and giggles!

I always find Dolphin Code 10-11 appropriate in marital situations…

But DC 22 might be more optimistic for a smash and slip…

Way back in the 50s, we used to say "You're as funny as a screen door on a submarine."
Not as funny as a rubber crutch, but still…

When I was in the Navy, we used to say that a submarine departed on patrol with a hundred men and returned from patrol with 50 couples. I don't know if that would be appropriate for the crowd, however.

The Collins class. That's been a long running gag.

bob newhart – USS Codfish

YouTube link

Yep, most of the jokes I've heard from former sub guys will get me in DH or worse ;)

This one is safe, though…

Evening check-in on a sub:
- Ivanov! – Here!
- Petrov! – Here!
- Chernichenko! – Here!
- Azamashvili!….silence

- Azamashvili!…silence again.
- AZAMSHVILI!!!!
@sleepy voice@ – here….
- Ha! just as I thought – you can't get away from the nuclear sub, you b****d!

I like this one Barin.

Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Soviet and American, come to the surface. The Soviet one is old and rusty; the American one is new and shiny. On the Soviet one, the crew lounges about without any order, and a drunken captain yells at them: "Who threw a valenok (felt winter boot) on the control board? I'm asking you, who threw a valenok on the control board?!". From the American submarine, a shaved, sober and well-dressed captain, notes sarcastically: "You know, folks, in America…". The Russian captain dismissively brushes him off: "America??! There is none of your effing America anymore!" (Turns back to the crew) "Who threw a valenok onto the control board?!"

yes, this is exactly how I've heard it years ago ;)

"Our navy had lots of submarines until we held an open day …"

That one works better in the original French ("open day" is "operation portes ouvertes").

All the best,

John.

TNE2300,you took the words right out of my mouth with the Bob Newhart sub bit .

When I was in the Navy, we used to say that a submarine departed on patrol with a hundred men and returned from patrol with 50 couples. I don't know if that would be appropriate for the crowd, however.

Subs are bigger now, it's 150 men go out, with 74 couples, 1 love triangle, and one prizefighter coming back.

Just because its legal now, it don't make it compulsory….

a comedian once mentioned a supposed interview with the executive officer of the USS Triton
which had just set a record by staying submerged for 83 days

when asked why he remained submerged for 83 days
the officer replied:
"because I didn't want to come up before the sub did!"

You all know the one about re-roling Seacat SAMs for the anti-submarine role?

I'm sure I've told it before.

All the best,

John.