I like my whacky versions of real Civil War Battles. In the campaign game you can get to chose among the comical versions of the real thing.
They are
Bulldung Run- The first months of the war are full of gasconading and long windes speeches by politicians, all put on at church socials and cookouts where winsome young ladies attend looking for beaus. This has been goign on quite long and the North is losing the Battle of the Barbecue so when they hear the South is putting on a grand, huge cookout to beat the band, something that will dwarf the "champaigne and Oysters" picnics on the Potomac, the North decides to crash the party.
Shinola- The South has all the best generals and this is attributed to their getting most of the West Pointers. Everyone knows that the essence of "West Pointism" is spit and polish, and the best polish you can have is Shinola, a product which is gotten from the little small buildings with the half moons on the door that each Southern homestead boasts. The Union launches an offensive into the headlands of the Mighty Missipissi river to capture the vast resource fields of this substance.
2nd Molasses- In order to keep up flagging morale the South decides to hold another beat the band barbecue and once again, the North wants to crash it.
If it's Tuesday this must be Marvin Gardens" In a whirlwind campaign, the Southern Champion General Holden McGroyne attacks the Union Army on the Penninsula in a day by day battle on St. Charles, Illinois Ave, Boardwalk and Marvin Gardens.
Auntie Tums Creek- While the South had to make do on green corn, green apples and gritz, the north had Hardtack, hard cheese, hard bacon, and Scrapple. The only thing in the north that kept the war going (and northern digestive tracts) moving was the little pink pills produced at "Auntie's Patent Medicine Company". The South decided to take this and thus cause the Northern war effort to get blocked up solid. They also needed it for their own consumption of gritz, gritz, biscuits, hog jowls, and more gritz.
Grittysburg. The North's Industrial might was prodigious and they could make so much stuff they needed, they had enough capacity to make stuff they didn't need. The Griz factories at Grittysburg were going night and day, and while no one ate the stuff (the northerners used it as a sort of low-grade mortar for outhouses made of brick, the South decied to capture this to easse their dwindling supply.
Chumpchangeville- We all know the Civil War was not fought over Slavery but over the Northern Attempt to destroy the Southern Way of Life, best epitomized by Magnolia's, Mint Juleps N' Gritz. Therefore high on the Northern agenda was the occupation and destruction of Chumpchangevill which had the largest mint plantation in the entire south. Capture this and the Mint Julep would fade away like the old cuase-- fade away-- fade away-- fade away-- dixieland.
Fredereicksburg of Hollywood. One of the other staples of the Southern way of life besides Magnolia's Mint Juleps N' Gritz, was that fine old institution of Southern womanhood which varied between psychotic narcissism and rampant nymphomania. To uphold this image the Fredericksburg Factor in Hollywood which made all sorts of tight-laced corsets, bustiers, femminine unmentionables and the like was vitally important to Southern Morale. The North Aims to capture this and ship the products north in the hope that their own wives and girl friends will take the hint. The epitome on both sides of course is the ultimate Southern Belle, Miss Fidelia (Fiddle) De Leigh, fiance of Southern General Holden MaJohnson, and on the North, Miss Belle Starbuck who loves Union General in Cheif Gerneral Sterling Silver Service. Miss Starbuck of course is far more interested in Service's D&B rating, and especially when he starts talking about treating her "Like a woman of the town plying her trade."
Free Muffsboro- Vital to Southern Morale is this town full of cheap brothels, X rated book stores, seedy bars, gambling dens and Pool Halls where Southern Soldiers can go on furlough to forget the war and the women can dream about when their John comes Marching Home. The Northern abolitionist scum have set this town as their particual object of revulsion, a veritable Babylon on the Missipissi which they will take and send in legions of Methodist temperance societies, church ladies, and Revival camps.
Vickis Burgers- Perhced on the High Bluffs of the Missipissi is Vicki's Burgers, so named because it is the chief entreport for the liveline of food rations from the Cornfederate West. Here the cattle, wheat, and produce of the Trans-Missipissi Cornfederacy is brought and packed up into rations consisting of two all bee patties, special sauce, pickles lettuce, cheese, on s sesami-seed bun. Without this vital point (Called the Golden Arches of the West) the Cornfederacy would indeed be reuduced to eating corn, grits, and stuff even the pigs wouldn't eat.
Chattahoochikoochi- This is the rail terminus of the Cornfederacy. From here the Choo--Choos go all over the old South, huffing and puffing how they "think I can" and "they knew they could" as they go up and down the hills bringing the products of the South to market. Capture this town and not only does the north paralyze the South but they get the rights to the song too.
Lil' Snotsylvania- The Yankees are a Marchin to the Sea and just as we all know some damn fool Union Captain is raiding through the South and has fixed on taking a headstrong Southern Belle with him who he will fall in love with. This cannot be, a proud scion of southern Womanhood in the vile lustful clutches of a Yankee! Nearby is the Snotsylvania Military Academy with its core of students who join the regular Cornfederate forces to rescue the proud emblem of Southern Femmininity. In the company of the students is the son of Cornfederate Jefferson Dufus,a more typical example of Southern youth could not be imagined. He drinks, swears, likes to torture small animals and dress in his sisters underwear. That's why he was sent to the military school. Both sides are hoping that leedle Dufus takes a mini-ball to the brain.
Gnoshville
Mylanta- Where the North Had Autni-Tums factory the South Has Mylanta a different substance with the same purpose, to keep the sinews of war moving after the Cornfederates have stonked all that hard tack, green corn, and sawdust.
Theres more.
Fort Sumppump
New Oilins'
March on Santa Klaus
The Valley Girl Campaign
Frankenbeans
journeys to and from the Australian national convention - and tells us what he thinks of panicking tank hordes and flat terrain!
