"How to Annoy a Wargamer..." Topic

How to Annoy a Wargamer -- some humor courtesy of Ed Walden at the 6mmScienceFictionWarGames group.

1. Refer to your minis only by their first names.

2. Refer to your opponets minis by their first names.

3. Try and bribe his units over to your side.

4. Three words: Pastel color schems!

5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.

6. Offer your opponet the chance to surrender before the battle starts.

7. Dress in character.

8. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.

9. Speak only in third personlike a certain wrestler.

10. Use large brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponet's figures.

11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.

12. Only roll one die at a time.

13. Play battle music. Mr. Roboto works the best. Put it on repeat.

14. Name all of your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponet fails to notice.

15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain that they are all in disguise so as not to get kicked out of the Army.

16. Place a hammer on the tablebefore the game starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.

17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.

18. Every time one of your minis has unrestricted LOS to his commander, say "check".

19. Suggest obviously suicidial tactics to your opponents. Explain "that's what Custer would do".

20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mousolini at the end.

21. Secretly replace your opponet's minis one at a time with minis of other games.

22. Claim you minis are proxied for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play at all.

23. Place all your infantry on individual monster bases.

24. Flock your bases with sand. DO NOT GLUE!!!

25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.

26. In rule disputes, refer to Hoyle's book of games.

27. Place Nascar-style ads all over your vehicles.

28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway point.

29. PLAY-DOH Minis!

30. When one of your minis reach your opponent's side of the table, demand that it be kinged.

31. Measure distances only with a yard stick.

32. On a bad roll, swear like a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved by Judge Dredd.

33. Sob uncontrollably when removing casualties.

34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.

35. Include the word "Whoopass" as many times in your army list as possible.

36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.

37. Proxy a unit of 0 scale cows for your commander's body gaurd. Don't forget to give them weapons.

38. Convert all wheeled models into lowrideres. Including cannons and chariots.

39. Try to play multiple games at once, like Gary
Kasparov.

40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.

41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.

42. In a rules dispute, check several copies of the rules, just to make sure they don't change in each book.

43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.

44. Write your army list in pig latin and binary.

45. FUZZY DICE!!!

46. Start each game with the National Anthem.

47. Have no interior monologue during the game. Digress frequently.

48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.

49. Each turn, replace your commander with a new figure.

50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.

51. Write a battle report during the game. Take at least five minutes to write information between dice rolls.

Yelling BOOOOOOOOOOOYAH at every turn is a must to annoy gamer s

Great list Javelin,

Here's my pet peeves-

1. Dropping my minis and breaking off glued on weapons.

2. Correcting MINOR differneces in pronunciation of historical names, places..etc

3. Waiting till the smoke clears and then moving out with your band, clan, tribe, unit -(dreadful behavior in multi player skirmish games)

4. Using the board edge to huddle/hide and playing only defense!

5. Not saying hello! Some gamers are such grumps- no wonder the hobby is aging.

MR EDITOR, please save us from this insanity (before its too late!)

"5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners"

For the big competition gamers out there has this ever been done?

"For the big competition gamers out there has this ever been done?"

Oh, it will be done.

It will be...

I personally think that list is a masterpiece. Made me laugh anyway :-)

1) Freely mix miniatures from wildly different historical periods with each other in the same army. Don't let scale differences hold you back.

2) Paint your Tiger tanks orange with black stripes and insist on calling them "Tigger" tanks. Making hopping motions when moving them. Bring a Winnie the Pooh CD along, refer to all your opponents' minis as Huffalumps.

3) Arrange a game with somebody from another club, show up with only a coke bottle and a packet of crisps and ask if you can them as proxies. Eat casualties, insist your opponent to do the same with his, especially if his are metal.

4) Participate in this test

5) Whenever you kill an opponent, your tank does up a rank and can be replaced by a more powerful model. Tiger becomes Tiger II etc ...

6) Insist on having a prayer for the fallen soldiers after the game. Bury your casualties.

7) Always call your opponent honey or snookums.

"7) Always call your opponent honey or snookums."

I call em "fluffy", m'self.

Heres a few that have been used against me:

1) Buy alot of candy, and eat all of it except the pieces you don't like. Constantly pile that candy up in front of your opponent. When they ask you to stop, look at them like they're the crazy one.

2) Be sure to sing hymns at inappropriate times (i.e. all the time)

3) If you remember any annoying catch phrases from TV shows or commercials, be sure to shout them out at random. Ones such as "Great Googly Moogly!" or "Whomp-A-Chomp!" are especially distracting.

4) If you can, get your mom to come in with your younger brother and talk to you about all sorts of unimportant things. This will not only hold up the game, but it will also distract everyone else at the table, forcing us to spend several minutes recapping everything that just happened.

1. Have rituals for rolling dice. An altar with some candles will do nicely. Insist on calling on the favors of a particular god/deamon/loa/saint before an important roll, or to curse your opponent.

2. Bring voodoo doll of your opponent. Put it on the table, and only stick pins on the hand he rolls his dice with. Add a new pin every time he makes a good roll.

3. Bring only name-brand food/equipment to the table. Try to work in product placement during the game. If questioned, act innocent but still continue to push the product during any explination or apology.

4. Theme army. Dress in the theme as well.

5. Constantly question and second guess your opponents moves. "Are you sure you want to do that? I wouldn't if I were you."

6. Bring ketchup packets to the table with you. When a figure gets killed, use it to add blood pools on the table.

javelin98,

I just had a coworker in the next office come in here to ask me if everything was alright. I was laughing so hard I could only wave my hand at the screen and make choking noises.

Bravo! Best thing we've seen on the boards for a few days now.

999. Pump your fist and yell BOOOOOO-YA! at the top of your lungs every time you make a roll, no mater how simple or trivial.

tell them they have the wrong color mud on the boots of his minis

1. Replace marching figures with firing figures, firing figures with loading figures.

2. Replace archers with figures that have one less arrow in their quiver.

3. Insist on replacing knights who have charged with knights with broken lances, just before replacing them with knights with hand weapons.

4. Paint your minis however the hell you like without reguard to history or good taste.

5. Insist that just because an army list does not include a particular troop type does not mean that it may not have that type of troops.

6. This is the one I realy hate. Nitpicking that the troops you have on the field are wrongly dressed because the (backpack, rifle, badge or blanket) wasn't issued to the army until three months after the battle took place.

"2) Paint your Tiger tanks orange with black stripes and insist on calling them "Tigger" tanks. Making hopping motions when moving them. Bring a Winnie the Pooh CD along, refer to all your opponents' minis as Huffalumps."

Just about died laughing.

Ha! Thanks, guys.

Now I have to get back to work...

"44. Write your army list in pig latin and binary."

That explains DBx.

["44. Write your army list in pig latin and binary."

That explains DBx.]

Now that's unfair. DBx is written in Middle English and hex.

One of the guys in my regular group, has a tendency to remark "that is not allowed" at practically every given moment of a game, even when just moving a figure, or throwing a certain color of dice!

Somehow, he always manages to get someone of us annoyed, and then reacts with an oblivious "WHAT?"

Cracks me up, everytime

Boduognat, king of Nervii

Elodius wrote: 2) Be sure to sing hymns at inappropriate times (i.e. all the time)

Hmmm - you must not play 30 Years War or Befreiungskrieg.

PeteMurray wrote: DBx is written in Middle English and hex.

No - Middle English and duodecimal!

DBx is written a triple replacement cypher run through a madman's Enigma machine.

#number : Flock your minis... all of em... all over... call them grass people..

Insist that all miniatures on the table be painted. Then show up with a a new blister pack and a can of primer "for a last minute substitution."

# Get annoyed if your opponent looks at your minis longer than 2 soconds. Ask him to stop trying to control their minds.

# Laugh out loud and point your finger at your opponent whenever he rolls badly. Tell him he sucks at rolling dice. Combine with:

# Whenever your opponent rolls a good roll, immediately pack your things up and tell him you don't want to play with a cheater.

# When it is your turn (and when under no time-limit) stop to think for 10-20 minutes before making a move or taking an action. If your opponent talks to you, shout at him for ruining your concentration. Start over again.

# Use only unpainted lead, and tell people that your army is made out of T1000 robots and are therefore indestructible.

# Take your opponents figures as PoWs. And lock them up in a small safe. Tell him that UN and Red Cross inspectors are welcome, but not him.

# Wash yourself only once a week. Wait a minute, Most already do this!

# Draw ugly sketches of your units on paper and use them on the tabletop instead of the real ones, but bring the real ones too. Tell your opponent that you dont want any wear and tear on your minis.

# Try to substitute your opponent's minis with minis from other units. When he finds out, accuse him of cheating.

83. Say "Coolio" a lot.

Complain about the terrain, the mini manufacturers, the paint jobs on everything, the size of the buildings, everyone's strategy & tactics, and that the games never work out according to your plans...

Of course, when the other opponents complain that you "always win" might suffice.

rmaker - You're right. This was at a game of AD&D 2nd Edition using those 3-d interchangeable dungeons pieces. The guy sitting right next to me did all of this in a span of two hours.

Tell everyone you play against that they are in the "GW Hobby" even if you are using GW rules or not :-P

As for #13--battle music--"Rock & Roll Mercenary" by Meatloaf also works great. I also like to use 1 of those toy ray guns that have multiple kinds of shooting noises when we play 40K.

call your opponent a "fuddy -duddy" or would that be a compliment ??

Form a French infantry battalion entirely from Napoleon figures.

# Yell "WAAAGH!" as you start each movement phase. Especially if you're playing a historical game.

# Say "Baby needs shoes" with every dice roll.

# When measuring distances, take as much time to line up the ruler as a pro golfer takes to line up a putt.

# Show up for an ACW or Napoleonic game with an Orc army. Ask if you can use them as proxies.

# Sneeze into your hand, then use that hand to pick up and inspect the other guy's prize figure.

# Forget the battle music -- play children's songs or accordion polkas in the background.

# Insist on silence while you're planning your moves. Hum a tune like "Gilligan's Island" while your opponent is thinking.

# Roll dice with too many sides (like d8's for a d6 game), insisting that they're your lucky dice, and you'll reroll any number that comes out too high.

# Hum "Taps" every time a figure dies (on either side) while making trumpet motions with your hand to your mouth.

# Make your figures give each other high-fives and do a victory dance on the table when they kill an enemy unit.

# If you're playing a game where victory points are awarded, and you lose, demand a recount.

Your models should all have extra fragile guns/radio aerials/wheels etc - encourage your opponent to move some & then complain bitterly when he breaks bits off your "favourite" mini that you spent weeks researching & building. Only works with opponents with a sense of guilt- choose your opponent carefully!

javelin98*...Great thread

My SIDES ACHE! Awesome thread!

But something else that Annoys... are spelling mistakes.
Once is a typo, but severaltimes, that's down right pet peeving!

Its "opponents", not "opponets" (try pronouncing it). Wargamers need to be able to spell a few words; this is one of them.

Retentive spellers are Annoying as well, i should point out.

At one of our local gaming clubs (the non-historical one), I made a comment about having just purchased some Roman soldiers for a DBA army.

One of the 14 year olds, who had a few WH 40k armies as well as a large WH Fantasy Battle army, turned to me and said: "You can do that?". I nearly feel out of my seat.

He was 110% serious, he (as well as his friends) had NO idea that there were ANY other rules out there. Once i recovered... i did give a brief run down on the last hundred years of wargaming history. He was totally in the dark, not a clue.

THAT has got to be my most Annoying wargaming moment...

Javelin 98:
Good list! May we use it in the "Read on the Net" feature of our non commercial club magazin? (With source of course)

Peter

Somebody please stop these tears rolling down my face...

...hands Bridget a hankie...

How to Annoy a Wargamer...

Say, "I just bought a new bar of soap! Wanna try it out and see if it works?" and hand it to the offending party.

Schulein,

By all means. Please just attribute it to Ed Walden; he's the one who posted it to our list on Yahoogroups.

thanks Gronan...

A friend of mine just got back from a Warhammer/Storm in a Teacup weekend at warhammer world. His final game was against two gents in their mid 40's who had a little song about rolling anything but a one, and performed it every time they rolled the dice needing anything but a one. It finished with a pelvic thrust and grunt.

He found it mildly vexing, I think. :)

Thanks Javelin98, will do!
Peter

Take a note of every dice roll and what dice were used. Let your opponent know if he is rolling above/under average at regular intervals. Accuse them of cheating if one of his dice rolls a lot of 6's and present the evidence. refuse to give out any info on your own scores.

"two gents in their mid 40's who had a little song about rolling anything but a one, and performed it every time they rolled the dice needing anything but a one. It finished with a pelvic thrust and grunt"

Okay, I think that's downright funny, as it slips into the "You are having WAY too much fun!" category.

Say ANYTHING negative about Warmachine or it's parent company. THAT seems to annoy the heck out of a huge number of people... 8)=

This reminded me a lot of the "How to Confuse Your Opponent List" by Bunyipz. You can find it online at link
among other places.

Note: I'm not saying one was derivative of the other. What I'm saying is, if this one made you laugh until you nearly wet your pants, like it did me, then this other list will probably have a similar effect.

Pounding your fists on the table (everyone on your side) while chanting, "We're gonna cut yer TONKERS off!" over and over.