"Best Quotes from a role play game." Topic

It has to be something spontaneous- not something you spent weeks trying to use.

My NPC barman, after having an axe waived in his face "I'm sorry sir, I don't have change for that"

"Don't use me as cover- I'm not dead yet"

In a '3 musketeers' game (long before the Matrix) one character stuck his pistol in the ear of the baddie and said "From this range, I rarely miss". The effect was spoiled by then cocking the pistol.

(Female voice overheard from another room) "Its long pink and tastes of peppermint. Is it in this brothel?"

Not heard during an RPG but years ago when playing Warhammer 2nd edition:

'In reality that Dragon wouldn't want to eat that horse'

'I have a lot of scummy troops'

Sterling

"When he's dead, he's more predictable" (said of a player
in a long-running RPG. The player had a reputation for
off-the-wall behaviours, and his team-mates would, at
times, kill him and then spend the gold to have him
resurrected…)

"well that would explain where all that missing time went…"

Said by one of my PCs as the demonic posession began to overcome him…

Damon.

"It's a basement. How bad could it be?" Followed by half the party getting wiped out by Lizardmen.

My personal best was when I was talking about the plan to attack and defeat some monster with the other magic user in the party. The girl playing the elven ranger started to say something, to which I replied, in my most condescending voice "Dana! Wizards are talking!"

She was most offended, everyone else, including her husband laughed their asses off.

The PCs were spying on some kuo-toa, using arcane means to peer through walls.

PC: "So, what are they doing?"

GM: "Uh…just mundane stuff, really. It looks like a few are playing some sort of game involving shells, like…cards, or something."

Uninvolved PC: "Go fish!"

***

Furious Fiendish Elf Chick*: "Why did you make a deal with them?!?"

Trusting, Good-Hearted Gnome Healer: "Well…he looked like a nice person…"

Furious Fiendish Elf Chick: "What? You idiot! I LOOK LIKE A NICE PERSON!"

Wise But Dumb Half-Giant: "You know, she's got a point."

*Fey'ri Rogue, for those of you playing at home.

"We come in peace", which was uttered by a eleven year old playing the part of a wizard when told that our group had just entered a room full of goblins.

We spent the next three turns bringing "peace" to those goblins.

I used to have a little gnome mage/summoner with his own collection of gnomish sayings. Besides the inevitable stories regarding his great grandfather's accidentally walking into a dragon's open mouth thinking it was a cave entrance, and the ensuing fun, he liked to deliver such lines as: "Things are always that way, except when they aren't."

My favorite was uttered by my daughter: "You can't parallel park a dragon"

A player character is being chased at night by a bunch of mean looking types down a dark street. It seems he had let himself get hoodwinked by an orc who drove him around town in a stolen cart belonging to these guys before splitting with the cab fare. So the confused player, presumed now to be a cart thief and running for his life suddenly cries out, when asked that universal question (what do you do?), states:

"I stop to confuse them."

And I say- "Mmmm..ok. They catch up with you. What's your armor class again?"

Not "from" an RPG, but "during" and RPG…

A friend has a Crokinole board. It's kind of like circular tabletop shuffleboard, but you flick the puck with your finger. Since the puck is wood, playing over a long time can cause the nail of your finger to hurt.

At a gaming convention, the friend's brother played Crokinole for hours with quite a hot & flirty lady.

The next night while we were playing an RPG in the open gaming area, the lady walked up to the table & out of the blue asked the brother: "Does your finger still sore from last night?"

Of course it took at least 20 min for any semblence of order to return to the table. We still tease the brother 2+ years later…

In a game under a somewhat strict DM we were cutting up a bit. He said, "Everyone stop having fun and get back to the game!"

My group still gets a kick from along time ago when a newly freed Efreet asked the freeing player if he "wished" the efreet to leave. Being by himself the player responded yes so he would not die fighting. That player has never lived that one down.

In our Traveller 20 group, we had a particulary annoying Imperial Noble who would occasionally appear during our long time campaign and somehow make life for our party living hell. Whenever he'd rear his ugly head or the NPC was mentioned, my Marine character would say:

"Oh, no. Not HIM!"

It became my character's catch phrase.

A surrounded player about to be overwhelmed by Nosferatu calls on his last defense:

"It hurts when I pee."

Running call of Cthulhu, one hears LOTS of good quotes.

(casually) – "Guess we'll have to kill everyone in Western Massachusetts."

(excitedly, by my 75-year-old mom) – "Wait, WAIT, I've got dynamite in my purse !"

And the locally-long-famous D&D quote, by a mercenary captain, on arriving with his company at an Inn; "Proprietor – - Bl*w jobs and Cheetos for all my men!"

CRIMEFIGHTERS Quotes:

"This gun was used to shoot me in the head--I keep it as a souvenir." Willie Caine in The Search for the Arms of Empire

"He's an unidentified victim of trauma that the doctors haven't identified." Coyote Jones

"I'd rather not find that out until I know more." Marco Sharp in the Raiders of the Forbidden Garden

"The cause of death is lack of life." Wing-Walker in A Strange Case of Murder in Melvale

"That sounded like TNT hitting a pimp!" Sonny Delacroix in The Pirate Treasure of Florida

"My way is as stupid as your way!" Dr. Sam Bendrix in The Phantom Floor of Empire State

"I never hear anything…I just repeat things I never heard." Michel Lambeaux in The Adventure of the Eye to Heaven

"When corpses go missing, it's usually a mystery." Nick Richardson in The Clown Who Would Not Die

"I'm only obsessed when I'm beaten by men of lesser moral character than I." The Botany Baron in The Botany Baron and the Danger of the Royal Tablets of Doom

"He was a man that brought out the best in me--mainly by being worse than me." Sonny Delacroix in The Search for the Wrong Man

"He's too unconscious to drive out of town." Tourmaline Briggs in The Godless Ones

"I trust him with my life. I don't trust him to string three sentences together." Michel Lambeaux in The Death of Willie Caine

"There's already been one successful attempt on his life. We don't want another one." Botany Baron

"He was the most reasonable cop I've ever resisted." Dr. Sam Bendrix in The Head in Miss Worley's Garden

"It was an accident--he stood in front of the gun and I pulled the trigger." Sonny Delacroix to the police in the Case of the Dead Uncle's Statue

"If anyone's going to interrupt me, it's going to be me!" Sonny Delacroix in the Silent Web

In a Cthulhu game long ago one of the investigators had gone paranoid, not long before he was attacked and carried off by some nasty creature or other. As he was being carried away, his friends in an attempt to save him began shooting at the creature only to hit the investigator instead. His last words were "I KNEW they were out to get me!"

Man, Myth and Magic Fantasy game in the Ancient World. GM'd by a friend who didn't read the scenario before running it.

A completely mismatched party (Germanic warrior, African Wisewoman, Persian Philosopher etc) are sent by Caligula to check on a strange Germanic cult building a temple in England dedicate to Apollo in a place called Stonehenge …

GM : "You see a large boulder hiding the entrance of a cave"
Player "How do we see it is hiding it ?"
GM "It's clearly in front of it."

Party breaks into the cave and finds it furnished with a table, bed, chair etc.

Player : "I ransack the place for evidence. I break all the table legs to see if they are hollow, I cut up the bed and mattress, I double-check everything."
GM : "You find nothing."
Player : "Nothing at all ?"
GM : "No, wait there is an old man in the bad you didn't see."
Player : "I ask him what he's doing here."
GM : "He doesn't answer."
Player : "I show him my battleaxe and ask him to talk."
GM : "He isn't impressed."
Player : "Why not ?"
GM : "Because he is asleep."
Player : "I wake him up."
GM : "The old man wakes up and attacks you."
Player : "I hit him."
GM : "You knock him unconcious with a simple slap, he's an old man after all."
Player : I put him on the chair and make him talk this time."
GM : "The old man says he was put in this cave under a sleep spell as punishment."
Player : How long was he here ?
GM : "Not that long, but a while yet."

By this time everybody was on the floor …

But it gets worse …

Player : "And you didn't starve or something ?"
GM : "No, I wake up once in a while to eat something."
Player : "But we found no food here."
GM : "No, but once in a while a bear wanders in through the back entrance …"

During a fight one of two players is knocked unconcious by the baddies.

GM : Player 1 has initiative, then the baddies
Player 1 : I attack, but miss. Can I try to run away ?
GM : No, you don't have initiative anymore.
Player 2 : Can't I give him my initiative, since I don't need it anymore ?

"all you have to do is roll more than and one Bill" One "ok once more all you need is more than a one" One. Thats why I paint.

From when we used to play Rolemaster.

'Don't talk to me I'm invisible' was one that came up.

Playing a swashbuckling GURPS game I could not remember the name of the weapon I was wielding, a yatagan.

GM: A prate is charging at you. You have initiative, what do you do?
ME: I smack him with my mighty, mighty poontang.
GM: Your mighty, mighty, poontang?
ME: Umm..yeah. Oh..wait…

Hilarity ensued…

Big Joe Duke

I was running a D&D adventure called Spiderbite from a very old copy of White Dwarf, but as a Victorian Pulp. The party of stiff upper-lipped adventurers were holed up in the giant carved head of the local god, having just defeated a band of carnivorous apes. Looking outside, they realsied they were surrounded by cannibal tribesmen, who were beginning their assault up the outsie of the monument. Running low on ammunition, they set fire to the corpses of the apes and used them as missiles, which led to… "Hurry, we need more flaming monkeys!"
Also from the same adventure was the wondeful phrase "If we finish this swiftly, we can be back home in time for tea and medals…"

The D&D story so far: Sent by the local authorities to put an end to troublesome orc raiders, our human fighter and halfling thief find the orc camp, wherein is being held the third PC (an elf sorceress), naked in a cage. After the obligatory rescue, the now-united PC's begin their quest.

Many episodes later, the trio find themselves in the midst of political intrigue, and their main antagonist is a snooty princess with whom they're forced to unertake a quest. After a particularly heated discussion, the princess walks away in a huff, and the halfling thief remarks:

"If she's not careful, she might end up naked in a cage."

"Yeah," responds the elf sorceress, who then realizes she's as much a target of the burn as the princess. "HEY!"

[Halfling thief player gets the standard 100xp bonus for nearly making the DM snork soda through his nose.]

Z

We had a girl in our group.

She said something like "he was pretty tough to beat until I shot him with my big gun thingy"

Two memorable ones from wargaming friends that still get quoted on club nights:

1. Pru's "Let's go into that field and kick some ass" just before his command got decimated by going into the field in question.

2. John B's "Watch this, I can cock it up as good as anybody" immediately prior to throwing a double 1 with predictably disastrous results.

One more, but be warned: politically incorrect content:

During a TnT playtest game, my gang of Mexican banditos was raiding the town; opposing them was my fiancee's gang of Irish lawmen (including the now-infamous among our group Sweeney brothers).

During a particularly heated exchange, someone attempted to blow up the head bandito, El Gato Gordo, and two of his thugs with a bundle of dynamite. The thrown bundle laned just next to El Gato, who picked it up and attempted to remove the fuse. The unfortunate bandito fumbled the attempt, and he and his two comrades found themsleves ground zero to a very big boom.

My fiancee declares tha Sean Sweeney, hiding behind a nearby wall, says to his brother (who's hiding with him):

"Smells like beans and burritos."

Z

Said of my halfling rogue upon his untimely demise at the hands of some ogres: "hey, there's a price on his head – we can reincarnate him and still sell the body". (incidentally, reincarnated as a gnome).

-Muegen (half-orc barbarian): "Why are we chasing white lady?"
-Firazair (elf wizard): "She's an evil priestess tampering with the fabric of reality, weakening planar boundaries to enact a mergance between the two metaphysical landscapes."
-Muegen: "You had me at evil."

Said by same half-orc barbarian: "Mugen do mathmagic…. one and one and one …"

"Orcs are pussies!" was our battle cry.
True, if you are all 10th level. Not so true, if the whole group is starting over.

Overheard during a game of "Machiavelli", spoken by a VERY Catholic Papal States player: "Well, here I go to beat off the Turks again."

Dwarven fighter in magic armor: "Clank, clank, I'm a tank."

Cowardly 5th level elven magician: "Forget the adventure, let's go punt some kobolds."

One guy had a black D20 and he filled in half the numbers with white crayon and half with silver. You couldn't tell which was which from more than 13 inches away.
Everyone at the table (in chorus): "Stop cheating Dan."
Dan: "Oh, OK."

Frustrated cleric: "I KNOW I can make food. <Prays.> Here, have one cubic foot of grey pasty substance which is completely nutritious and utterly lacking in taste. Next time buy some food before we go on an adventure."

Fighter at ye olde towne shoppe: "Whaddya mean I can buy cans of Beanie Weinies!?! It's the only thing I can make on campouts!"

Neutral Thief: "YOUR'RE going to decide who gets what Magic Items from the treasure? Look, just because you're Lawful Good doesn't mean you have to be a Socialist!"

Regards, the Gorb

GM: "You see a large, glowing, green jewel in the middle of the room. It's floating about 6 feet off the ground and spinning ."

Wizard: "Hmmm, we should think about this."

Me: "I touch the jewel."

After being possessed, my Elven Fighter-Mage promptly kicked the collected butts of the rest of the party, forcing the GM to "save the day." Oh, how we laughed.

Friend of mine was running a classic D&D game where one of the players (a newer player) had just fallen into a pit.

GM: "You missed your Dex roll and you fall into the pit, tumbling down into darkness. What do you do?"
Fallen Player: "Uhm… Hmm… I don't know… Let's see…"
GM: "Do you have a grappling hook and a rope? A levitation spell?"
Fallen Player (still being new and not really knowing how to react): "Yes! I have a grappling hook and rope. I stick it into the side of the pit to catch myself before I hit the bottom!"
2nd Player (a physics major at the time): "Wait a minute! How long does he fall for?"
GM: "I don't know. 8 to 10 seconds?"
2nd Player (Physics Major): Grabs his calculator, pen, and paper… scratches some notes then says, "That means that the pit is like 300+ feet deep! Mass falls at a rate of… yada yada yada… physics quotations… yada yada yada…"
GM: "Gravity is different in my world."
2nd Player (Physics Major): "Eh--"

Heard being yelled be me during a board gaming session:
"Not the balls!!!" (the host's dog, Moo, had snuck under the table and proceeded to chomp down on my family jewels--which were fully covered/clothed by the way!)

The party enters a room and confronts a hag.
DM:Paladin, make a save versus insanity.
Paladin:Ok……Missed it. Bubbuda..bubbuda..bubbada* Okay, I'll her.

*you know, the finger up and down on the lips thing in all the old cartoons.

Call of Cthulhu: One of our players had two characters on the go, a father and son team. The father became possessed (as one does) after reading something in the horrible book line and received both barrels of another player character's shotgun.

First player, shocked, and in character as the son, protested, at which the shooter snapped "Stop making such a fuss. He wasn't your father when I shot him!"

D&D:
DM: "The road your on follows you to another road."

Star Wars RPG:
The group had snuck into an Imp base and was hiding in a security checkpoint, a small building with a window for patrols to check in. All was quite well until…
DM (as Imp trooper):"Everything alll right in there, the lights are out."
Player 1: "Duh, we know that. We're working on it. Give us a minute."
DM: "Fine, but who's speeder is this parked here? It's blocking the road."
(The speeder belonged to a previous patrol the players had dispatched. Not knowing what to say, the players paused uncomfortably for a moment until…)
Player 3: "Uh, it's mine."
A dead silence crossed the table as everyone turned to stare at Player 3 with looks of shocked horror.
Player 3: "What? Someone had to say it!"
Player 2: "Yeah…but you're a Wookiee!!!"

Ah, good times. Good times.

Whilst playing a Conspiracy X (kinda like the x-files for those not familiar) game in which a new and very popular narcotic was found to induce spontaneous human combustion. The players had tracked down the source of the drug, to find that two dealers had just left for the West End (of London – clubland) on a saturday night. They had no idea of how to find the dealers, except by waiting until the first cases of SHC were called in. The local police were getting very peeved at the PC's high and mighty attitudes – they were all from various inteligence organisations and weren't great at playing with the other law-enforcment children – and so weren't being as co-operative as they could have been, leading on of the PC's to bellow into a police inspectors face "For god's sake, man, there are lawyers exploding all over London!"

Another game, 7th Sea, a game of swashbuckling and derring-do, had the PC's come up with a very, very complicated plot to satge a kidnapping of a disgruntled cardinal from under the noses of the inquisition, using multiple copies of this particular worlds Zorro figure, El Vago! The plot involved fighting, swinging from ropes, 2 fake cardinals, one a mannaquin and one a PC dressed as a cardinal, a barrel, two carts and a final jump off a bridge into a river. The PC's had finally worked out all the kinks, and the mastermind went through the whole plot in one go only to have the least atentive player ask at the end "So who's the cardinal again?"

I was running a Star Wars RPG and three of the PCs had been captured by the Empire. Their comrades had set a rescue effort in motion and it was just moments away from arriving, when I switched scenes to the interior of the cell block to roleplay a bit of the interrogation, intending to come to a cliffhanger in my description just as the alarm claxons go off in the Imperial Base. As I described the interrogation droid approaching one of the PCs, its hypodermic needle dripping an oily substance onto the cell floor, the PC yelled out:

"We're all Rebel spies!"

Another Star Wars game: The campaign was set between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. A player was running K2-521, a refurbished Nemoidian battle droid (and known to the rest of the group as "the worst birthday present ever given") when they happened to pass by Luke Skywalker just as he confided in Wedge Antilles that he was concerned that they had found no sign of Han Solo's whereabouts. K2 turned to Luke and said:

"Maybe he's dead"

Whereupon R2-D2 promptly zapped him, making K2 the only character in the game to be physically assaulted by a canon character.

Not a funny thing said, but rather something done…

I was running a game for a friend who's fighter had found himself on board a sailing vessel built and crewed by tinker gnomes.

The ship was attacked by a water weird or similar water-elemental type creature. During the battle, his sword was lost overboard. His next action was to grab a passing gnome by the leg and proceed to pummel the creature to death with him…

It was certainly… creative!

Me- If you roll a 1, the gun will explode, mortally surprising the crew (quote for the rule book I liked)

Mark- I don't intend to roll a one

Guess….

Some of you may have seen the Larry Leadhead cartoon 'pour le encouragemnt des autres'. I actually sent that in- it was a real incident relayed to us by Richard. After rolling a succession of 1s on a d20 he took a blow torch to th eoffending die IN FRONT OF THE OTHER DICE so they would get the idea. He was mortified to be 'Larryed'. His wife though it was funny though.

"Bomb difussing? I'm all over it." said by one of our players who didn't have a demolitions skill.

The rest of the players yelled "I run!"

OK, not strictly from a RPG, but one to treasure.

Stepson (aged 17) and I are playing Star Wars Battlefront in Co-op split screen mode. We're in Mos Eisley, he's in the Cantina, I'm drawing heavy fire elsewhere.

Me- Help!
Him- I can't, I'm pinned down in the Bar!

My favourite was seen on a wall of famous last words at UK GenCon in Camber Sands many moons ago – "Get out of my way, you tentacled face w**ker".

From a recent moot at my Vampire:The Masquerade group, one of the Gangrel characters was involved in a duel in which she was widely outclassed in fighting skills but not in endurance. After about the seventh round of combat, someone commented "Carla has the physical strentgh of a brick . . . And the tactical brilliance of cheese."

In a Call of Cthulhu game – A British military officer gives orders to his squad after encountering a Star Spawn of Cthulhu.

"Chap with tentacles……five rounds rapid".

Predictably there was only one shot heard, and that was the soldier who shot himself. The other three had dropped their rifles and run away screaming !

From a D&D game many years ago (early-mid '80s):
The party comes to a large lake in the middle of a dungeon. While trying to determine what it is, someone in the pary says, "Throw the dwarf in and see if he floats." It was a lake of acid. THAT became a catchphraise, and still gets used occasionally.

Another D&D game, this time with a 'modified' system so that everyone would have amazing strength: "I casually flick a gold piece through the orc's forehead, thereby starting the bar fight." Or, "Our 27-member party rides into town and looks for the nearest bar."

Needless to say, that campaign had descended into parody almost immediately.
BWW

""Everyone stop having fun and get back to the game!""

LOL, dont suppose your from MN are ya? we had a DM basically say that after an episode where me and a buddy made french dwarves(bad accents and everything) and joined a group already in progress…..heheh…well, we had fun anyway. Best part was the cleric we worked for (another PC) sent us to her secret tower while things cooled off in town (elf town, who didnt care for french dwarves needless to say), she gave us a map and told us to burn it when we got there, so we promptly responded "burn zee tower? and she was like, "NO YOU IDIOTS"…

ah, the good ol days…

this one was paraphrased back to me at my wedding.
imagaine a shadowrun game, in a office block belonging to a small software corp, the starting party are doing security duties, and the troll ( with the highest int i could give him is BORED). so one moring he asks the nice lady who does the motivational speechs over the tannoy if he can do one, ( and for some reason i think a massive persuade type roll) gets given the mike.
the thought for the day goes….
" some people think happyness is money shaped.
some people think happyness is gun shaped.
I tend to think that happyness is happyness shaped.
thank you"
the rest of the group look a little confused and carry on.

need less to say when it was used by my best man in his speech the last line was changed to " i tend to think that the 2 of you will find happyness as each outher shaped".

its better than the " sorry sir i thought they were further away" line that my twilight PC used after just putting a 40mm grenade in to 2 ambushers at 5 M range and getting the CO and the medic with the shrapnel, ( and more s the point not getting any fragments himself)

Adding Bronze Age to my list as well.

The bug strikes again! Mine was a cautionary tale about firing LAW's from inside a vehicle without opening a window first!