Polynikes & Chronoglide: Empires First Game

First Game

Oh well. I'm afraid my downbeat appraisal of the box contents is about as good as it's gonna get, dear readers.

Myself, Chrono, and an unnamed impartial third party gathered one autumnal night to set to this game. I took the role of the Empire, while Chronoglide was in charge of the stinking green hordes.

Alas, things did not go to plan. Empires is a kind of boardgame/miniatures game hybrid set the the fantasy milieu. The world is a kind of sub-Tolkien/GW kind of place with humans, orcs, elves and dwarves, etc. In the basic, out-of-the-box game, the players take the role of either the human Empire or the Orcs. It's a strategic game where you have units that build villages and towns, and then the villages and towns generate income. This income can then be used to build more combat units. The aim of the game is to dominate the map by conquering your opponent's capital city.

So we set everything up and let rip. Unfortunately, here is where things seemed to go awry. Every time things got ugly between Humans and Orcs, the fight was hopelessly one-sided. The Orcs never seemed to win. In a campaign reminiscent of the Nazi Blitzkrieg, the forces of Orcdom were forced back at every point, and when only their capital remained, it was only a matter of time.

The great siege of Chronoglidopolis lasted several turns, but the outcome was never in doubt. So we concluded the night's proceedings, with a strange feeling of dissatisfaction pervading the air.

I, of course, am sure that it was merely my superior gifts of generalship which won the war. But strangely, Chrono was not convinced, and insisted that we investigate further.

Looking at the cards that come with the game, he concluded that unit for unit, the Empire forces are consistently better than their Orc equivalents. Of course, this is nonsense, and I was ready to prove it in the rematch, when I was to take command of the Orc Army.

But alas, this was not to be...

Second Game

Ah, if only there had been a second game. But a strange malaise had set in. No one wanted to go near the game on a second occasion.

Chronoglide, of course, was just sulking because he lost, but even I had my doubts. Maybe there was something in his claims. Even our impartial mystery guest had no enthusiam left about this game.

So, in our subsequent meetings we have played the boardgame History of the World, Warhammer Ancient Battles, and watched a Peter Kay DVD (Garlic Bread?), but no soul would brave the dreaded Empires again.

So, dear readers, I must report that we have failed in the task allotted to us by the voters on TMP. Some strange power had drained us of all joy with regard to this game, and we shunned it like an uncle who never gets invited to family functions, but no one will say why.

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