"Family rant (very long)" Topic

ARRGH. And not the good, pirate-type "arrgh," or the retro-Charlie Brown one either.

Two years ago, we located my Uncle Larry (my Mom's brother.) He had dropped out of all communication with family members for about ten years (a year after his third divorce, and seven years after the death of his only son to AIDS, from which he has really never recovered.)

My memory always had Larry with a sharp wit, and despite his weight and hirsute-ness, he was ever the charmer with ladies due to that gift of gab, and I recall he always was a calming and humorous influence on younger children (under 10yrs old.)

Anyways, he had been living in a little one-bedroom hovel in San Jose, Ca off his State Employee Pension & SocSec. He had been through two strokes and four heart attacks in the last ten years, gets around with a walker when he can actually get upright, and could not be bothered most weeks to shower or shave, much less take care of "other" hygiene and basic care needs or keep up with his medications. He had a handful of friends in the area, but none of them close enough to recognize he really required intervention.

He was starting to have landlord troubles due to the smell and lack of upkeep on the rented place, had not paid taxes in like seven years, his vehicle had a two-years expired registration and barely ran due to lack of upkeep.

He just is not all, "there," anymore.

After meeting with him and some discussion with family, his local friends and Larry, we all decided to take him out of his mess and move him down south, closer to the only family he has left. My Mom was willing to take him in and assist caring for him.

My Mom works full time still at age 62, and in exchange for my uncle covering the $700 USD rent and half the grocery bills, she makes his bed, changes the linens as needed, cleans up after his incontinence in other areas of the house, cooks his meals, organizes and sets out his medication, cuts his hair, taxi's him around, does his laundry, and helps care for the bird and dog.

We (my wife and I) have included an invitation for Larry on every "family" event that we would normally include my Mom on anyways. Part of the requirement to participate is that he must shower and shave the day of the event. Over the last two years, Larry has pretty much decided he does not want to be included in our family affairs anymore; only rarely on holidays or birthdays.

With my Mom & he… Quite a few instances over the two years of forgetful misunderstandings, drunken falls and accidents, leaving ovens & burners on, refrigerator doors left open for hours on end, and some small measure of paranoia & confrontational attitudes back when brought to his attention ("That's your opinion.") He's turned into an ungrateful ass who really does not realize how good he has it.

My Mom found out one time he had scheduled an "escort" to come to the house to service him while she was at work and read him the riot act… "If he wants to partake, go to a hotel, but I will NOT have my address known and open to hookers."

I sympathized with his "needs," but tried to guide him towards the role of men as they progress through life… that I was of the opinion his role now was to be a giver of wisdom and relate stories of his youth and experiences so that younger people can benefit from hearing of his life, but I just got a sideways look from him about it.

I tried to engage him to seek out local venues for the hobbies he has always enjoyed (gems & stamp collecting), locating local societies and events, but he was not interested.

Since January, he has started getting a tad meaner with my Mom, vrbally pushing her buttons and generally being an ass. Basic courtesies were overlooked and eventually actively avoided. One of the friends from his place in San Jose was a 30-something single recovering alcoholic Mom named Jenny with two teenagers that Larry started talking about how she would welcome him – he had some serious delusions about moiving out and living with her…

Well, it came to a head over this last month, as Larry refused to pay any more rent, claimed my Mom was always stealing money from him, that he pays for everything and he is not going to be taken advantage of. He has refused to pay his part for ANYTHING now, "It's not in my name, I'm not responsible." A couple more confrontations revolving around his lack of remembering things said only hours earlier, and my Mom is starting to get REALLY ed. She is not renewing the lease and she's moving out in September, she told him she really does not care how he vacates the premises or where he goes after that.

Not long after, my Mom contacted a mediator to come up with a mutually agreeable contract they could enter into that ensures some kind of binding and spelling out what each of them will do for the household until September. The initial meeting was done two weeks ago, but nothing was really resolved/contracted.

I had decided to have a man-to-man with him to try to get some civility in their place until the end of the lease, but he was not home Tuesday night.

My Mom called us late last night. Larry had called her from Jenny's in San Jose. He'd apparently packed a bag and just flew out without notice.

And apparently he told my Mom to have the mediator draw up the contract. Seems a little dose of reality has hit him square in the head.

There are so many elements involved here:

• The BIG thing is the medication. Anything else that is done or said means nothing if he does not stay on his damn medications, and that better be part of the contract.
• There is definitely evidence of the initial stages of dementia setting in, he needs to get checked.
• Jealousy that his younger sister has what he never could obtain (a more or less functional, together, loving family.)
• Anger/resentment over his dependent condition (lack of options/choices/mobility due to his mental and physical condition/limitations.)

My condolences, Mardaddy. That just sounds like a crappy situation with no good options available. I hope things work out alright.

-Alex

There is definitely evidence of the initial stages of dementia setting in, he needs to get checked.

A good friend's father (a very nice man) began to become belligerent to his family. Turned out he had Alzheimer's disease. Part of the belligerence was due to the confusion that can come about when the person doesn't remember something. Definitely, he should get that checked out.

I hope you and your family can come to some kind of understanding with your Uncle.

John

It's too bad you were not able to help him recover his life. Unfortunately, without his active involvement in the process it is probably not going to happen. It's sad, and I sympathize with your frustration.

One of the traditions going back to when I was 9yrs old that we experienced example after example of was that you DID NOT put family away for care… that, "family takes care of family."

I'm mulling it over and hoping I am not rationalizing when I now think that maybe its a bit too altruistic.

When one part of that family is either not doing their part to stay healthy and thereby becoming a poison to the people around them, or if caring for that family member becomes beyond the medical needs of the other family members, another option MUST come into play.

Larry is fortunate enough that his combined pension/medical benefits plus SocSec (about $3,000 a month) is a decent self-sufficient income for someone with no bills besides board & sustenance needs. He has large coin, precious metals (mostly silver) and gem collections to fall back on for bartering or cashing in for infusions of cash if his situation gets desperate, so he is not that bad off if he'd just stay on the meds.

That is, providing the tax man does not come-a-knocking wanting his back dues w/penalties.

And providing we get him checked for dementia and that comes out OK.

providing we get him checked for dementia and that comes out OK.

My first thought was he was supplementing or exchanging his regular medicine for recreational medicine.

Either case is not a good option.

Good luck.

I think he's toxic for your Mom, sick or not. I'd look into commercial care for him. You can't destroy your own lives for someone who seems to have checked out of yours for years. My Mom, who has Alzheimers, has done much better in care than at her home with my brother's family.

It is such an difficult choice. My aunt took in her mother when she was on the downward slide and the mother took to being mean, tripping people hitting them with her cane and otherwise showing a complete inability to control impulses.
It finally broke when the mother took to chasing her greatgrandchildren with knives(not sure of how many instances). It was a brutal thing to go through, but my aunt and uncle were not trained and prepared to deal with someone so dangerous.

I hope things work out for your uncle, it has to be a brutal time for him – You should talk to a lawyer and look into protecting what valuables your uncles has – they will be gone in a flash in a home due to the cost.

Ouch! I completely sympathize. My father-in-law stopped taking care of himself, "hung out" with some trailer trash skanks to the tune of $60K and his relatives chose not to involve themselves (its a Southern thing). We hauled his butt back to California after he stroked out/had a diabetic collapse and was found two days later.

He died not two years after that and he was showing signs of dementia. We thought it was from the stroke, but it turns out that untreated diabetes can accelerate/trigger Alzheimers along with other ailments. I suspect that this may be what's happening with your uncle.

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing.

Wyatt

"One of the traditions going back to when I was 9yrs old that we experienced example after example of was that you DID NOT put family away for care… that, 'family takes care of family'."

I understand… but it sounds like he is at a point where he needs _professional_ help and a more controlled environment. And at 62, your Mom does not need this kind of stress on her health, mental and physical.

"One of the traditions going back to when I was 9yrs old that we experienced example after example of was that you DID NOT put family away for care… that, 'family takes care of family"

As MWEAVER says professional help is needed. It is not fair to put all the responsibilities of family on one person. In the "old days" families were larger and a burden could be shared. Your mother is a saint for putting up with what she has already and at 62 you have to worry about her. While 62 is not "old" it is the point where age becomes a factor in coping with day to day life let alone a problem relative.

"family takes care of family"

I agree, *but* sometimes the right care for a person is to get the professional help they need.

Also, there is is no rule that says "family martyrs themselves for family."

You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Props to your mom for dealing with your uncle. Like Mapleleaf said, she's a saint.

Don't quote me, but I have heard/read more than once, that the care-giver dies well over 50% of the time BEFORE the invalid does. Getting him out of her life before she takes a bullet is wise.

I saw my Mom caring for my Dad for three years, until she was prostrated. "You barely dodged a bullet", her doc said later. She stayed in bed as much as possible for the next couple of months. My Dad fell and died from the effects of that two weeks later, thus releasing my Mom to heal. More than a year later, she's still not the same and probably won't ever be: care-giving aged her.

I was all for having my Dad live in his own house, but now I wonder how wise that decision was. Of course, to do it again, I would still push for Dad being at home: but maybe I would be more proactive in getting more professional help to come to the house too.

Thanks all for the support & advice both friendly and practical experience-based.

As I mentioned, my Mom's intent is to move out in September anyways. The lease is in her name, she does not want to go through the drama of "kicking" him out, so she'll just move out at lease expiration and wish him good luck. Sympathy for the landlord, because we just KNOW he'll have to be forced to move; or he'll stay and the place will deteriorate to the level of his old residence unless we intervene AGAIN.

Besides, it is not as if the SoCal area does not have its share of empty residences what with all the foreclosures and such, should be a renters market for my Mom.

Larry showed up at home Tuesday night (May 19.) My wife was already there visiting and from what she related, he was contrite, polite, and expressed he wanted to, "go back to how things were." The wife said my Mom made it clear that it cannot go back, but it can at least be civil until they have to part in September.

He must have worn out his welcome pretty damn fast up in San Jose… Good.

My Mom called last night. When she came home from work, the kitchen faucet was on full blast and Larry was happily watching TV, oblivious – so nothing has **really** changed from his habit of leaving things on or open and being oblivious.

My only comment about the whole thing when I spoke to her was that I did not care WHAT bad blood it would create, force the S.O.B. to see a doctor and get checked for dementia, and force some kind of agreement from him that she will supervise him take his meds.