"[BAR STORY] "I can't help it - I'm Irish!"" Topic

(this one's a few months old, but I'm forever playing catchup with my bar tales… enjoy!)

There are some excuses that I'm willing to listen to, and others that immediately raise my hackles. Today I'm going to focus on a specific one that I've heard several times recently. Maybe St. Patrick's day is coming up, so the "Irish" thing is on people's mind…

I swear, guys – half of the people in this town must be 1/64th Irish or something… either that, or the drunks have picked a new lie to tell me. All three incidents happened over two weekends, and all three involved different people.

Recent incident #1:

Alex: "Dude, did you just vomit all over yourself?"

Drunk guy: "Hey, it's OK – I'm Irish!"

Alex: *facepalm*

Recent incident #2:

Alex: "Hey there buddy, please don't pee in our parking lot. We have bathrooms inside."

Drunk guy : "WOOOOOHOOO! I'm Irish!"

Alex: *facepalm*

I'll get into a bit more detail with "recent incident #3", because by then I had finally had enough… It started with fairly standard macho B.S. Two guys who apparently knew and disliked each other from outside the bar happened to run into each other one evening while I was at work.

Things started out calmly, then as the evening progressed and the two gentlemen drank more and more, they worked themselves into a fighting temper. Early on, I approached each of them separately and told them something to the effect of "OK, guys, so far no-one's done anything out of line, but things look a little tense. We like things to stay calm here, so please keep it that way"… they both assured me that they were cool ("It's OK, man, I'm cool, I'm cool").

But of course they weren't cool… I can see that one of them is definitely the instigator, much more aggressive than the other, but the other guy isn't backing down or helping to make things calm, he's willing to throw down. Eventually the aggressive one walked past the other and gave him a hard, high-school-style shoulder bump, and the other spun around, ready to fight.

I'd been expecting something like this to happen, and I'd given them fair warning, so I was only a step away, and I got between them. "Cut it out! This is the kind of crap I was talking about earlier, gentlemen".

The guy who'd been bumped gave me the kind of answer I like to hear – "I'm sorry, man, but this guy's been eyeing me all night, and he just shoulder checked me for no reason. I just want to chill out and drink my beer".

But the other guy… well… "Nah, THAT. This ing er blah blah blah aggressive posturing, insulting terms, name-calling, several pejorative terms synonymous with homosexual, boring boring boring…" (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea, I hope…)

I look over my shoulder at guy number one, "Hey, man, why don't you go sit down and finish your beer", then back to the aggressive guy "And I think you need to get your coat, you don't need to be here anymore tonight."

Suddenly the guy relaxes a bit, trying to adopt a friendly pose, acting like he's my buddy. "Oh, c'mon, man – you know how it is, I can't help it, I'm Irish!"

"Yeah, I know, you can't help it. The same way black guys can't help stealing cars, right?"

"Yeah! No – wait, that's not what I meant!"

I point my finger at him – "That's exactly what you meant. You put that racist crap back in your pocket and take it out the door with you."

"But…"

I just keep talking over his objections. "TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR OWN CHOICES AND ACTIONS! OR DON'T!! BUT DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!"

He keeps sputtering and complaining, more confused than angry, but I get him out the door.

Once he's outside, he says "Man, you're like some kind of Nazi or something!"

Standing in the doorway, I say, "I can't help it. I'm German."

And I close the door.

-Alex

"I can't help it, I'm Irish!"
You mean that works?
Oh, you just said it doesn't…
Never mind.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

That was script, right?

"Man, you're like some kind of Nazi or something!"

Standing in the doorway, I say, "I can't help it. I'm German."

That was too well set up to be real.

OK, I know that happened so I suggest you ditch the book idea and start writing a script. Either a compliation of shorts or a "Day in the life of Alex" with 3 or 4 really good ones. Then start figuring out which movie star will play you.

I *am* German, and I've been called a Nazi before, many times. I started shaving my head back when I was in the Air Force, over ten years ago.

"But I'm German!" has been my stock response to Nazi jokes for years now. I'm not too good at snappy comebacks, but I am OK at remembering the ones that I come up with after the fact… if I'm in a similar situation later on, I can often dredge up the old reference and re-use it.

It was just serendipity that gave me the opportunity to use it that time – and memorable enough that I felt like it was worth writing down. :)

-Alex

Really, all these people giving the Irish a bad name!

We usually have to work for it.

Classic. 4 stars!

Good one.

Stay in and stay warm, oh German one.

As we say where I come from "There's nothing more "Irish" than an Irish-American".

Well done, Alex.

Please note that there is a vast and significant difference between Irish-Americans and Americans of Irish descent. One is loved and welcome by Irish people. The other is….endured.

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Or maybe in Alex's case that should be:

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As for descent, all I've got is Scot and English.

Apparently I'm supposed to hate myself.

Thats Ok Parzival. I'm Scots and Irish. I'd buy myself a drink but I'm too cheap….

YOU GO ALEX – you have the patience of a saint – there is a reason I don't do your job! I think I'd have just tazed the idiot and then dragged his still twitching body outside!

That 'can't help it, I am German' is good… not as good as the response to the elderly german lady who, when the woman slapped her kids legs in a shop said 'In Germany we don't smack our Children'

I will not quote the reply. It was a good one.

Pat

Part Irish, part German (among a few other things). I guess that it is in my nature to be a Drunken Nazi.

I have no idea why the Irish, whichever ones they are, put up with all the alcohol/racism stuff.

I also don't understand how St. Patrick's Day became a holiday about drinking. I do understand the outline of the man's life, and if he was pro-debauchery I must have missed that part. Where's the St. Patrick's Day Anti-Defamation League?

But I like bar stories, even though I'm not a bar-visiting person.

Andrew

"I have no idea why the Irish, whichever ones they are, put up with all the alcohol/racism stuff."

Real Irishmen rise above it.

Alex: "Hey there buddy, please don't pee in our parking lot. We have bathrooms inside."

The best part about this is that it must've been, what, 20 below outside?

I really fail to comprehend the motivations of the millions of men who are apparently not housebroken.
-Kle.

DUDE!!!!!!!!

Don't know what the USA is like, but in the UK 'It's Christmas!' get's used as an excuse for all kinds of awful behaviour by drunks.

Your job is a wonderful source of anecdotes Alex, but I wouldn't do it for the world…

Hyphanated nationalities annoy me, like the 1/64th Irish Alex mentions. Its like people who say they are Italian because their Great Great Grandfather moved 100 years ago. Anything past 3rd gen is silly. Gallowglass' children could be half Irish, I might even make an exception for grandchildren claiming heritage. 1/8th of anything etc is silly!

Alex – to check out somes' Irish credentials…

Ask said person which dignitary is currently on the Irish £5.00 GBP note…. :)

And prepare to duck.

Not being Irish I had to google that one. I second the suggestion to duck.

The same way black guys can't help stealing cars, right?"

"Yeah! No – wait, that's not what I meant!"

I point my finger at him – "That's exactly what you meant. You put that racist crap back in your pocket and take it out the door with you."

Well done Alex. I'm impressed and will use that here where we do have a lot of real Irish and not St Paddies day wannabes.
--
Tim