Summer has come! And with it, returns our Introduction to D&D program at my library, where I entrap…that is delight, yes, delight the minds of youth with the glories of fantasy roleplaying.
Yesterday began our adventures for the summer, with my annual starter adventure The Night of the Goblin. And while I always endeavor to be an open, flexible referee who lets the players unfold the story, there are times…well, nobody can take a D&D story into the outrageously bizarre like a thirteen year old!
In the past we had a dwarf who "had trouble with doors" (Int 5), literally walking *through* any door he came across (Str 20). He also killed 4 goblins with a picnic table, broke another goblin's neck with his bare hands, and then proceeded to bash another goblin with the previous goblin's corpse. But that lad had moved on to his own D&D group, and this year I had a whole new crop. I thought, hopefully, that maybe I would be done with outrageous character roleplay. It was, as it turns out, a foolish thought.
Yesterday featured a team of adventurers that included a halfling barbarian (a nice twist on the standard trope, I thought), with a penchant for tea and biscuits. Quirky, but quirky can be fun. The rest of the characters were standard fair: A wood elf wizard, a high elf rogue and a half elf cleric. (No dwarf! Things were looking up!)
The adventure begins at an outdoor wedding party attended by the PCs (largely without their weapons-- it's intended as an exercise in listening to descriptions and improvising). As soon as I began describing the scene, the halfling player raised his hand and said, "Is there a cake?"
Why yes, yes there is. With a nice, long, sharp knife next to it (see the detail?).
Proceed to story: Naturally, a D&D adventure can't just be a wedding; it has to be interrupted by goblins! And so it was. The nasty evil creatures rush into the party, howling. The barbarian wins initiative, looks at me and says, "Can I grab anything off the table to use?"
Why yes, yes you can. (Smart boy. A capital boy. Listens and thinks!)
"Are there spoons?"
??? Uh, well, yes. Forks and knives and yes, spoons, too.
"I yell a battle cry, grab two spoons, and jump on the closest goblin, and try to gouge out his eyes!"
Uh, what?!? Well, okay, if that's what you want to do, roll a d20.
"5!"
Yeah, you miss. All you do is smack his nose about. (Deciding to go with it, I roll a Wisdom check for the goblin to see what it thinks of this moment; I roll a 2.) The goblin is completely shocked by your attack, and does nothing! (This was a mistake.)
After assorted conventional action by the others, mostly involving spell casting, and the rogue who does have his rapier missing his target, proceed to Round Two.
Barbarian: "I attack with the spoons again!"
Okay, if that's what you want. Roll and add your Str bonus. (You can hurt someone with a spoon, after all. But going at eyes with spoons… Gotta be AC18. This is gonna take awhile ).
Roll… "22!"
Okay, you nailed his eye. Roll 1d4 plus Str bonus…
"7!"
Uh… The (6 HP) goblin is dead. Slain by a spoon. His companions are embarrassed for him.
"Spoon!"
Glad to be done with this, I turn to the wizard.
"You said there was a knife by the cake?"
(Oh good! Sanity is returning!) Yes, a long, sharp one, about the size of a small sword.
"I grab the knife and throw it to the barbarian!"
(Even better! Teamwork, and will get us away from this spoon silliness. Let's see; it is combat, so a bit stressful, and he's a wizard, so I'll make it a super-easy DC8 check to grab it, and then a DC12 check to toss it to the barbarian… That wizard has a high Dex bonus, so we should be good.) Sure! Roll a d20. Add your Dex bonus.
"Uh…5."
… Okay, you try to snatch the knife, but miss and slam your hand into the cake.
Barbarian: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!"
This is gonna be a long summer…
