"REMAKE OF SINK THE BISMARK (no not really!)" Topic
13 Posts
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OSchmidt | 26 Mar 2015 11:57 a.m. PST |
Dear List The other day on Society of Daisy we were talking about the subject of diorama's lighted maps, movies, displays images etc., and in passing the subject of the movie Sink the Bismark came up. I remember that old great movie and I thought of how they are remaking a lot of old movies these days and I was wondering what Hollyidiocy would do with a remake. Here are four possible plots. OK, here goes. Four possible story lines. 1. The whole thing is part of this uber-conspiracy between four factions in Europe, Corporateland (England), Essennazi (Germany), Commieclassers (Russia) and Froggytwangerpluckers are really all the same megacompany (Idzbushezfault) but divide the people into what seems to be nations. They stage the war to determine which country will be "the odd one out" by the loser getting less food and resources etc. The decision is done by each faction putting up their best ships and having a duel. There are no guns on the battleships, the crews fight each other with bows and arrows and other odd ball weapons. The Dana Wynter character is in charge of the Bismark in a skimpy beer hall girl costume and high heels with an oversized hat and even more oversized boobs and she fights the Kenneth Moore Character and falls in love and they bring down the corporation and everyone lives happily ever after on a commune in Rancho Cukkamonga
2. The Dana Wynter character is actually Eva Braun who infiltrates the British Navy to get close to her lover, Kenneth Moore, who does not recognize her. She fell in love with him after having a long S&M relationship for 9 1/2 weeks in a multi shaded grey club. The actual battle scenes are non-existent but shown metaphorically as torpedoes crashing into holes in the bottom of ships, shells in fhe form of little weights on the end of the cat of nine-tales softly descending on Dana Wynter's bottom, and spraying of huge jets of water out of the conning tower and onto the deck of Wynter' ship.. The movie ends with Kenneth Moore being killed and the Wynter character getting terminal cancer and dying on a beach talking with other wren's about their orgasms. 3. The whole thing is another plot between evil insidious industrialists, only the ships, once at sea turn into Transformers. The Bismark turns into this enormous semi-reptilian beast, while the King George V turns into this mile-high mech-robot which the heliocopters take out to find the Bismark. The battle bot is actually in the form of King George and it has things like missiles in the balls of the crown it wears that shoot out to strike the Bismark, or a cannon where his crotch is which shoots shells at the Krakenmark. The Bismark has a breath that can spit acid or fire, like Godzilla. But this is all mere foreplay. The grand denoumont comes After the Bismark kick steps through London when it and the King George V duke it out like a pair of Sumo- wrestlers with good old fashioned fisticuffs and the pro-wrestling moves like the Atomic Knee Drop and others. (Sorry I saw Pacific Rim the other night.) 4. The British form an Elite team. One communications expert (played by Jeff Goldblum or clone who sets about crafting a computer virus that will destroy the Bismark's computers (ignore they don't have any). Which will be inserted by him into the Bismark through a small unshielded port in the ventilating shaft of the rudder which the Reich has so far overlooked, (ignore that would be a critical breach of the hull) which they will get to by Kenneth Moor piloting an old, out of date, obsolete midget sub held together with baling wire and spit, and Moore himself is a broken down has-been sub jockey from 20 years ago who has ruined imself with drink and gambling, and who has been dragged out of the gutter and gotten back into sobriety by the Dana Wynter character (this time played by Rianna) who loves him and nurses him back to something close to consciousness. He has a patch, smokes constantly, wears a filth strap-T-Shirt and he goes around moaning about his lost life and how "He coulda been a Contendah!" The whole thing goes afoul and they are captured, allowing Rianna to do several sexy dances and songs, then seduces Admiral Lutjens (played by Johnny Depp) and she steals the key to the Bismark's Self-Destruct mechanism. Meanwhile The Jeff Goldblum character sneaks down the stack (they saw them do this on The Posidon adventure) and gets into the control room where he sends out the recognition signal for the King George V whereupon the Luftwaffe shows up and sends the Bismark to the Bottom thinking it's a British ship. They all escape on Jet skis to land at a beach in Miami where the sing and dance and laugh and drink pina coladas the dance to regge. |
Saber6 | 26 Mar 2015 12:39 p.m. PST |
You really missed a calling in LaLa land |
Mallen | 26 Mar 2015 12:44 p.m. PST |
Otto: I love yur posts man, and read every one of them. But you really need to get the dosage correct. Mitch |
tberry7403 | 26 Mar 2015 12:46 p.m. PST |
You really missed a calling in LaLa land Or the SYFY channel. |
OSchmidt | 26 Mar 2015 1:25 p.m. PST |
Not really guys The other night I was in Orlando visiting a friend. I was staying in a hotel and on the last night I was there they showed "Pacific Rim." It was an absolutely AWFUL movie, dumb, stupid, and laughable. To amuse myself I watched it and noted down every movie they ripped off an idea, scene, quote, character, plot element, or visual from. Halfway through I had 80 entries on my list. Everything from Star Wars to Willia Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The above stuff I wrote is not so hard. You just keep it piling on and eventually you have a plot. Not a good one, but you have a plot. Tht's all I did up there, just pile it on, provide the barest bit of spit and baling wire to hold the whole thing together and you can start shooting next week. The problem with you guys is if you were charged to put together a story line for a movie, you'd do a very good job and come up with something that -- artistically-- would be a world beater--- but no one would go. To make money you have to just pile on the crap. Remember the vast majority of movie viewers operate on modus-eusophogus--If you swallow that you'll swallow anything. |
Bunkermeister | 26 Mar 2015 1:30 p.m. PST |
Nobody else can write anything. You have hit every movie done in the last 20 years. Mike Bunkermeister Creek Bunker Talk blog |
legatushedlius | 26 Mar 2015 3:14 p.m. PST |
The fourth one is spot on and they would claim it was historically accurate too. |
Robert666 | 26 Mar 2015 3:27 p.m. PST |
I like your imagination, whatever you are on can you send me some.:-)) |
Buck215 | 26 Mar 2015 7:51 p.m. PST |
That is Hollywood GOLD, baby! We are talking box office blockbuster! Just make sure Les Grossman is your producer and Allan Smithee your director to make it happen! |
OSchmidt | 27 Mar 2015 6:19 a.m. PST |
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OSchmidt | 27 Mar 2015 6:36 a.m. PST |
Dear List Plots. 5. In the middle of the chase both the Germans and the British see ships from WWI (of both sides) and all of history rising from the waves. It is the Zombie apocalypse and they join forces to save the world. The problem is the Lusitania evades them and gets to England where the Zombies begin their British Brunch. All those sunken U-boats return to Germany… meanwhile the British code breakers team up with the German V1 makers and America's Atom Bomb project to battle the plague and there they find out that the Zombies are coming from Mars, activated by a super weapon. The combined team takes on the Russians and Japanese and they all make a rocket to fly to Mars and destroy the beam. Along the way the auto-pilot goes bad and the ship cannot hit the target without manual guidance. One of the Japanese pilots, a hot female offers to "be like the cherry tree shedding her blossoms of radioactivity over the Martian Landscape" piloting right into the planet on a suicide mission. The American pilot who has had the hots for her volunteers to go along. The rest of the crew bugs out and the two have sex, then go and pilot the craft towards mars. Along the way the Japanese pilot tricks the American into inspecting one of the life saving pods and locks him in. There is a long sappy farewell as they touch hands on each side of the plexi-glass sheet and they pledge eternal and undying BFF with benefits hood. She then ejects him into space and goes on to Mars destroy the Zombie ray. At the last moment she's shown sitting in the command deck preparing for rituall Seppuku moments before it crashes. Behind her a humanoid robot which looks like a Samurai (It's name is Yojimbot) preparing to decapitate her after her disembowelment. Fade to black,run credits. 6. |
John the Greater | 27 Mar 2015 7:05 a.m. PST |
Heh, heh, heh. He said "boobs" |
Phil DAmato | 27 Mar 2015 9:04 a.m. PST |
New SYFY movie. Bismarcknado. World War Two battleships come raining down from the ski. That's a winner!!! Phil |
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