"The REAL Ancient World and the REEL Ancient World." Topic

Just completing the rework of my Ancient, Ancient Rules (Chariot ages). It's fairly simple. The major complication is that you are not in the REAL ancient world but the REEL ancient world. Cast of thousands, cinematography by C.B. DeMille and Darryl F. Zanuck, and all in glorious Technicolor.

As part of this I have put in "units" and strateges you see over and over in all those stupid old "Sword and Sandal Epics." For example, there's "The Wart Hog From Hell" which is some sort of huge giant or monstrous atavistic animal (Goliath, Hercules, dinosaurs) and to counter that "The Lil' Snot with his lil' sling shot." There's the "Geographic feature that's been there since the Cambrian, but the bad guys get trapped against it and and are hurled off the edeg. There's the "Machine Bows" which are the anachronistic inventions of the dotty old hermit which always break down and fails to wipe out the enemy completely, and the "Fiery Sluces of Death!" which is where the downtrodden good guys trap the enemy by digging channels and sluices into which they funnel oil from large vats and tanks and pipes and set afire with the enemy on it, or just past it.

There's also the "Treacherous Tootsie from Tallahasse" the evil tribesmen, and the inevitable love scene between Prince Paducah and Princess Fellatia. that brings the action to a dead stop.

Others too.

This sounds highly entertaining.

-Will

How do we get a copy? They sound a hoot!

Dear Roderick

I'm not quite finished but simply send me your postal delivery address to sigurd@eclipse.net.

I have to finish the "God Decks." There are four countries I the game, The Kingdom of Pharonica Veronica, (Egypt) the Empire of Ososerius (Assyrians), the Kingdoms of Schlockem and Gonorrhea (Caanite confederation of kingdoms) and The Seadudes (Minoans). Gods are a big part of the game as players can get all sorts of goodies from sacrificing and praying to them. Each of the states above has its own Gods, which are, if you are playing the "realistic" side of the country classic (and utterly boring ones like Bel, Ishtar, Isis, and Horus, and the made up ones for the countries above who are parodies of the real Gods.

For example one of the Gods you can pray to for the Seadudes is the Fates. These are a satire of the Norns in Wagners "Ring Cycle" who are depicted as three of the most boring, depressing, dull women who spin constantly the rope of fate. In this version for the game these become "The Stoooges…" Another trio of characters who are not at all depressing, dull or boring and probably more like what the fate of mankind is really in.

I mean't this game to be anything but "authoritative" and wanted a good natured fun game players can be cooperative in as well, make up your own rules and use them for fun.

I freely admit it is a product of my own prejudices that the REAL ancient world in the age of chariots sucked big time. There were only four classes of people back then, who was a God and lived like one. The nobles and the elites who rode around in chariots hunting down enemy soldiers like lions in hunting (they use the same "Kill and release policy" in both). Then there were slaves who had nothing, and the rest were people about to become slaves. No wonder people sacrificed their kids!

On the other hand the Reel ancient world rocked. Think of all those great B movies like The Egyptian, Colossus of Rhodes, Sins of Babylon, and the Land of the Pahroh's. Piles of gold, with a very young and very hot Joan Colins in a belly-dancer outfit on top of the pile!

Send me your contact stuff (no e copies, sorry) and I'll send you the stuff in a week. As I said I have to finish aand copy he God deck.

Oh yeah, how the Game works is basically there's two important things. Getting the Initiative, in which case you get to determine the sequence of action, and winning the "Favor of the Gods". This gives you added benefit and range in combat, fire, and movement.

I also put in a special action section where you can think up things and tricks ont he spur of the moment.

I volunteer to playtest the rules for the love scene between the princesses.

If it isn't complete yet, I'd recommend watching some of the Maciste/"Hercules" MST3k episodes for ideas.

Yeah OSch, I'm game, like this idea , could I deliver a Solo game with these? (I hear cards which by definition creates random and self realizing situations :)

Will wait for you to announce completion before I come knocking, got to agree on 'real vers reel' to play imaginatively rather than a dull rerun of Megiddo.
Cheers

Phew for a moment I thought that was a new reality TV programme……"this week Braedon is Ostracised and Chantel contracts leprosy"….

They're probably just as accurate as the other rules, given how little hard data we actually have on warfare in that era.

Punkrabbit, just make sure the beta version includes real princesses…or at least real opposite genders…you never know these days…

I wish great success for this rules set. Something like this is greatly needed for all the celluloid that's been spilt on these movies

For some reason I'm okay with mythical kingdoms that act like ancient kingdoms, but utterly repulsed by funny names for Imaginations.

Honestly, every time somebody posts another "Ho-ho, I use funny names like These (starts listing them off)…" I hear them in an arch, snide, Paul Lynde voice. Golf Clap… They just aren't as funny as they seem from the inside.

I'd totally play Reel Ancient History. But not with Clown Noses too.

Dear Punkrabbit returns

Ummmm… I don't recall writing about a love scene between two princess' ie lesbianism, but.. Sodom and Gomorrah was another awful B movie and there were definatel intimations of that. in the movie.

Dear Zargon
I'm not so sure how well it could be adapted to Solo. The "cards" are merely four for each culture with Gods and the arrangement of "throwing sticks" needed to see if you get the God's favor. The rules are VERY basic, amounting to only a few pages of hard tactical rules. However you could work "Solo" into it by simply taking the plots of the B movies and adapting.

Dear Rmaker

That's pretty much my take on it after two years of research into the subject. The sad fact is we just don't know what Ancient Armies were like that far back.

Dear Rebel Yell 2006

Goodness yes! We've already done that in Military Science Theater 2000 which we ran at dosens of HMGs convetions. Same format only about 20 wargamers with brains well marinated on booze sitting in the Audience quipping and zapping on the film. We still do this at "The Weekend Convention" in June. Lotsa fun. One year we did "The Prodigal" the other "Sodom and Gomorrah!" The problem was both were just not terrible enough! We have some real stinkers lined up for next year.

Dear Sergeant Paper

Then these rules will NOT be for you. The whole premise of the rules is that you are really playing a wargame as if it were a B movie. But it's also meant for the players to get into the act and cut up. You are IN an MST3k episode with these. The problem these are Imagi-Nations at their most subversive. This is Marxist history at it's best (Graucho, no Karl)

I have one friend who is already designing his own kingdom and modeling it on the Harkonnens from Dune.

So if you don't like sovereigns named Queen Nastyupset, King Nechodinosaur, and Gods like Baalihai-- stay far far away.

This rule set is designed only for fun.

There is no cow too sacred to be gored.

Otto

Dear List

OOOOPS!

One more thing.

I designed these rules to be concept studies where players can mix and match and modify as they wish and "get into the act". That is very very simple systems and rules that players can take and modify and have their own input and not have them fall to pieces like an ill-glued transformer model.

The premise is the ridiculous and the irreverent. Kind of like the History Mel Brooks would make.

After a life of studying history, philosophy, religion, and assorted other fields. I have come to the unshakeable belief that the universe is ridiculous, God is ridiculous, people are ridiculous, I am ridiculous.

Have fun- remember God is laughing at you, not with you.

Otto

This rule set is designed only for fun.

For some definitions of fun.

Thanks for clarifying the underlying concept, I shall go on having fun without the funny names. Actually,
If I want to be ridiculous, I've got plenty of funny hats instead.

After a lifetime studying history, philosophy, religion, and culture, I have come to the unshakeable belief that the real world is funny enough, if you look for the funny. I'm not here to preach it, and you'll do what you want anyway. I'm gone.

Dear OSchmidt, my thanks, sounds like I can tinker to play solo, boy am I going to do some research for that period and those 'throw sticks' looks like we might have a alternative to dice too.
Sounds devilishly biblical with blood sacrifice and ass jawbones.
Cheers await the end product and not the end of days :)

Dear Zargon

Did you send me your contact information for me to send the rules to. I've had many requests and want to be sure I didn't delete it.

send to sigurd@eclipse.net

By the way if anyone has ideas for the "Silly B. DeMille section stolen from old movies just let me know. I'll be pleased to add them AND credit you.

How's that for perfectly useless bits of tawdry glory.

Otto

After a lifetime studying history, philosophy, religion, and culture, I have come to the unshakeable belief that the real world is funny enough, if you look for the funny.

Except about all the humor I can get out of modern news is gallows humor, rather like Murphy's 'Bongolesia'.

I had to deliberate long and hard as to what I was going to call my Northwest Frontierish campaign area, because "Asscrackistan" would really not have gone over well. "Brzrkistan" would have required permission from Garry Trudeau, but still identifies how *I* see the area.

So I finally went to historical/semi-current place names, between Baluchistan and Rajasthan, with Baluchistan winning. So my gaming 'Imagi-Nation' story is called 'Shenanigans in Baluchistan,' even though Balochistan is the 'civilized' (as opposed to the Federally Administered Tribal Areas) part of Pakistan today.

Otto, this sounds like a winner! Does anyone do 300-style Spartans in 15mm?

Dear Lion in the Stars

Thanks, but that was Sargeant Paper, not me. I don't find the real world funny, I find it ridiculous. That doesn't make it funny.

But Still you are correct.

Baklavastan? Bananastan? Botchistan? Barfistan?, Bazoomistan?

As for cities

Raunchipoor, Grungypoor, Grimipoor, Stinkibad,

I find it ironic that in making the movie Troy (reel life) Brad Pitt (real life) ruptured his Achilles tendon.

I have 2 major imagination countries and 2 very minor "countries" : major countries – The Constitutional Monarchy of Estovakia and the Most Catholic Archbishopric of Bad-Braunschweiger. The very minor countries: The Mysterious Women of the Northern Forest and the Republic of Creolandia. Men go into the Northern Forest . . . but they don't come out. 8-) All of the roads leading into Creolandia have signs at the border, "Go Away Go Away Go Away". I have the histories of both countries and the causus belli for the ongoing war. Of course it has to do with money and religion, of course, what else? 8-)

Dear Colonneh137

Interesting.

I have four powers in my ancient parody game. "Honey I sacrificed the kids." I have a fifth power that might be considered akin to your "Mysterious Women of the Northern Forests." Of course it's the Amazons. They form an interesting and bizarre function in the game. They are pretty much unbeatable. They are the standard Amazon figures, but the main strength they use is dinosaurs under mind-control. So imagine an Assyrian formation taking on three T-Rex's. Yah-- you got the picture. Lunch

What is interesting is the Amazons live way way way far up north, in a fabulous city and they don't bother anyone. They don't make war on anyone, don't raid anyone, and in fact have the ability of parthenogenesis, and don't even need men to reproduce (though they can). It's amazing how many gamers will lead an army north only to be destroyed and eaten.