"Wellington's Letter to Whitehall" Topic

I suspect this is fairly familiar with you folks here, but I thought I'd post if for those who have not seen it before. The letter is most likely a hoax since Wellington did not receive his dukedom until 1814, but it is a fun read that is ripe with sarcasm. I was first made aware of this letter when I was in a US Army class on supply operations. It was used to illustrate that sometimes the "bean counters" will loose sight of the mission. Enjoy.

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MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON -- written from Central Spain, August 1812

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are at war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance,

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant

Wellington

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Even if Wellington didn't write this letter; he should have!

Wellington mustn't have been much of a General, if he couldn't lose all those discrepancies under "Fodder".

I will have to forward that to a 1st LT I know in the US army.. I'm sure he has some similar stories to share!

@OFM: Well, it's harder to 'lose' items when they were issued under individual documents.

Well, I may be corrected here, but I'm almost certain that the letter is genuine. I have in fact seen the original (I forget where it was displayed, long time ago – possibly at Plas Newydd on Anglesey)!

Wellington doesn't sign the letter as Duke, just as Wellington – he earned the honorific after Talavera in 1809, as far as I recall, and was formally made Duke in 1814.

Cheers :)

I do not think Wellington's army was ever issued with jars of raspberry jam – which is not to preclude acquisition of such delicacies by local foraging.
Even in the Great War, Tommy had to make do with plum and apple jam…

Not much has changed in the last 200 years

Actually, it looks like something Blackadder would write…and since I have Wellington's Despatches…it ain't him!