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…o! By combining two simple household ingredients, we've created a compund that can destroy all life as we know it AND bring out that deep-down shine in the most stubborn…

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and intransigent of mules !

Wilson, get that animal moving, and right now, or it'll
go *very* hard with you and

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Humphrey Bogart was nominated for three Academy Awards and won one of them. Can you and your play-at-home partner, name the three films and identify which one he won?

Well, Dave, the three films Bogart was nominated for were "Casablanca," African Queen" and "Treasure of the Sierra Madre," but I don't know which one…

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is what to do if you want to get lift from a Vogon: forget it. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy – not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Revenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters…(click)

from long ago.'

'Doubtless antiques, then ?' I asked.

'Only the ones with the right patina – all the
brightwork on the others is a dead give-away that
they're

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new, Hail Atlantis! Way down below the ocean, were I wanta be she may be. Way down below the ocean, were I wanta be, she may be. Way down (click)

town,
where all the lights are bright.
Downtown!
You're gonna be all right now.

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if you can just keep your head above the water line…that's it that's it, keep kicking…paddle with your…(click)

flippers, when the ball is just about to reach the exit
hole. Jostle the cabinet a bit, but not enough to disturb
the mercury switches and cause the game to go 'TILT' !

Bang the side of the cabinet with the flat of your hand,
but again not enough

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(1999) is the nineteenth spy film in the James Bond film series, and the third to star Pierce Brosnan as the fictional MI6 agent James Bond. The film was directed by Michael Apted, with the original story and screenplay written by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade and Bruce Feirstein.[1] It was produced by Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli.

The film's plot revolves around the assassination of billionaire Sir Robert King by the terrorist Renard and Bond's subsequent assignment to protect King's daughter, Elektra, who had previously been held for ransom by Renard. During his assignment, Bond unravels a scheme to increase petroleum prices by triggering a nuclear meltdown in the waters of Istanbul.

Despite the film's mixed critical reception, it earned $361,832,400 worldwide…(click)

…which was insufficient to cover the cost of his toupees. Trump had no further comment…

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…Regarding the judge's ruling, but, however, his attorneys are expected to file an appeal. In other news…

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a dog exploded at the corner of Fifth and Main.
A thousand fleas are said to have died in the blast.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch

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…just like a Wop. Brings a knife to a…

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OR, NOT a SCALPEL ! Good night, Nurse Ratchet, have
you stuffed what passes for your brain in a jar of
formaldehyde !?!?

Here, hand me that trepanning saw, that I might

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…pull it right out. Now all you have to do is stand back and admire your incredible work, with all new…

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material. The previous show, scripted by brain-dead
economic zealots, was unceremoniously dumped after two
episodes.

The new series will air tonight and is scheduled

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…to launch into orbit in two days. The payload is a solar weather satellite designed to predict and analyize solar flares and…

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reflective triangles to detour traffic around the site of the wreck. Despite these precautions, one of the rescue crew was hit by a recklessly-speeding motorist who fled the scene without stopping.

Police are currently searching for a black 1959 Cadillac heavily-customized convertible with red pinstriping and a red winged logo on the hood and doors. The occupants of the hit-and-run vehicle were said to be dressed in odd costumes--the driver in shades of black and violet-blue with a pointy-eared hood, the passenger in a red tunic with a yellow cape.
Anyone seeing this pair is to contact Police Chief O'Hara of the City Police Department….
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because isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with voluntary motion?

Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?[the class laughs]

Why, the worm, sir.

Yes, I did read something of that incident when I was a student, but you have to remember that a worm… with very few exceptions… is not a human being.

But wasn't that the whole basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?

My grandfather was a very sick man.

But as a Fronkensteen, aren't you the least bit curious about it? Doesn't the bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue to you?

You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind! Dead is dead!

But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys…

Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I am talking about the central nervous system…(click)

-atically destroying what was left of the cultivated
area and sowing it in salt.

Structures were methodically blown-up, the rubble plowed
under or removed for fill.

The work completed, Andrews congratulated his teams and
turned his attention

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to the impending wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The ceremony will take place at…

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the Farm and Fleet parking lot. The carnival will last all weekend and the rides are only one dollar. Corn dogs, burgers, cheese fries and what is being billed as the the World's Spiciest Pickle are available for your dining pleasure. All proceeds for this carnival will go to…

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…the American Nazi Party's Home for Wayward Aryan Girls was raided by BATF agents early this morning, who uncovered 4,000 of what can only be described as plastique bratwurst…

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and who ever saw such a sausage, I asked him.

No one, he replied, who was in his right mind.

Well then, I said, there you have it, eh ?

Have what, he asked, surely not the brat ?

Of course, I riposted, but that's the wurst of it.

Come, he said, let me smack your

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Monkey. This series ran on televsion between …

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the eyes and IT BOUNCED OFF !

So much for boar hunting – a dangerous sport when there's
no number 2 with a high-velocity rifle trained on the
beast, 'just in case'

In the event, the boar

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…just droned on and on and on. As I sat there, glassy eyed, observing the academics in their natural habitat…

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…will bring the Monarch Butterflies you so desire.

This segement of "Master Gardner" is brought to you by Lou's Nursery on Highway 114. Lou – and she is such a sweet gal – has gardnias on sale right now. So when you go to pick up your flat of gardnias, say "Hello" to Lou.

Now for our next caller. Hello, Abe in Kaneville. I see you are having problems with your…

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hordes of unearthly and daemonic creatures, pouring through a rent in the fabric of…

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…her panties, which were already triple ply titanium reinforced kevlar. Oprah had no comment…

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as the aircar rocketed them at speeds in excess of R17 through the steel tunnels that lead out onto the appalling surface of the planet which was now in the grip of yet another drear morning twilight. Ghastly grey lights congealed on the land.

R is a velocity measure, defined as a reasonable speed of travel that is consistent with health, mental well being and not being more than say five minutes late. It is therefore clearly an almost infinitely variable figure according to circumstances, since the first two factors vary not only with speed taken as an absolute, but also with awareness of the third factor. Unless handled with tranquility this equation can result in considerable stress, ulcers and even death.

R17 is not a fixed velocity, but it is clearly far too fast…(click)

-ing had ended, gluttony was the new order of the
day !

He surveyed the groaning board, laden with

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16 tons, and what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt.
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store

I was born one mornin' when the sun didn't shine
I picked up my shovel and I walked to the mine
I loaded sixteen tons of number nine coal
And the straw boss said "Well…."

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…well, well, so you have penetrated my inner sanctum have you? So be it. Before I kill you Mr. Bond…

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applied with just one drop will suspend this construction worker 50' off the ground without any risk of…(click)

leakage, unlike other incontinence care products. Once applied, StickyBuns(tm) remain sealed to y our skin, thanks to a revolutionary urine-resistant adhesive originally developed by NASA for sealing leaks in the hull of the International Space Station…
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Platform 9 3/4's…just take a deep breath, better to get a bit of a running start if this is your first time, and push right on through…(click)

…YES! she screamed, PUSH RIGHT ON THROUGH [censored]…

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the button hole and then straight your tie, we will be on camera in three…two…one…(click)

we have lift-off at 14 minutes past the hour. STS-152 has cleared the tower. Initiating roll maneuver…5 miles downrange…altitude 43,000 feet…roll maneuver complete… we have solid rocket booster burnout…standby for SRB separation…25 miles downrange…throttle back to 65% at T+2 minutes, 34 seconds…prepare for MECO…Houston, Atlantis reports unauthorized object in flight envelope, highly reflective and pacing this vehicle…Roger, Atlantis, are you declaring…

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…our independance from the Peoples Democratic Republic of Central Ookabolaponga. With three leaders we are to be known as the Cowabunga United National Triumvirate other wise known as CU…

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later, rather than sooner. Sooner is a nick applied
to those from Oklahoma, the claim being that they'd
sooner fight than

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…undergo breast augmentation surgery, to repair a congenital birth defect that resembled a…
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Mr. Potato Head, an American toy consisting of a plastic model of a potato which can be decorated with a variety of plastic parts that can attach to the main body.

These parts usually include ears, eyes, shoes, a hat, a nose, and a mouth. The toy was invented and developed by George Lerner in 1949, and first manufactured and distributed by Hasbro in 1952.

Mr. Potato Head was the first toy advertised on television and has remained in production since its debut. The toy was originally produced as separate plastic parts that could be stuck into a real potato or other vegetable. Government regulations forced Hasbro into including a plastic potato body within the toy set.

Over the years, the original toy was joined by Mrs. Potato Head and supplemented with accessories such as a car and a boat trailer. Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head may be best known for their appearances in the Toy Story franchise, but Mr. Potato Head was featured on TV as early as 1987 in Amazon Women on the Moon. Additionally, in 1998 The Mr. Potato Head Show aired, but was short lived with only one season being produced.

As one of the prominent marks of Hasbro, a Mr. Potato Head Balloon has also joined others in the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Today, Mr. Potato Head can still be seen adorning hats, shirts, and ties.

Toy Story Midway Mania at California Adventure Park in Disneyland California also features a large talking Mr. Potato Head…(click)

…s and their 1978 single "Take Me to the River." Next after the break we'll hear from everybody's favorite…

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beer, Blatz. Blatz is, after all, Milwaukee's finest
beer. Of course, we're not in Milwaukee, but

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…a state of gastrointestinal distress, characterized by bloating, flatulence, and blood-tainted runny…
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…bowel syndrome. The only cure is to take several teaspoons of honeyblossom and mix it into half a tablespoon of…
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…gallium arsenide, a compound of the elements gallium and arsenic. It is a III/V semiconductor, and is used in the manufacture of such devices as…
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